Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

Advice from a retired husband..Ladies please pay attn and do the right thing for your husband, poor fellow..



How about this slave driver?
>
>
> It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it
> becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as
> when they were younger. When this becomes apparent, try not to yell at
> them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an
> oversensitive woman.
>
> My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled this situation with my
> wife, Carol. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for
> Carol to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for
> extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.
>
>
> Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
> her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she
> gets home from work
>
> Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to
> rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at
> her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she
> gets dinner on the table.
>
>
> I generally have lunch in the Grill at the golf club, so eating out is
> not an option for us in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked
> food when I walk through that door. She used to do the dishes as soon
> as we finished eating but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the
> table for several hours after dinner.
>
> I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each
> evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates
> this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes
> to bed.
>
> Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will
> say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills
> during her lunch hour, but chaps, we take them for better or worse, so
> I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out
> over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much.
> I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then would help
> her figure. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
>
> When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
> She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the
> lawn. I tried not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I told her to fix
> herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed orange juice, and
> just relax for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself,
> she might as well make one for me too.
>
> I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol.
> I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy.
> Many men would find it difficult if not impossible. Nobody knows better
> than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.
>
>
> However, Chaps, even if you just use a little more tact and less
> criticism of your ageing wife as a result of reading this article, I
> will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are
> put on this earth to help each other.
>
>
> Ron died suddenly of a perforated rectum after publishing this letter.
>
>
> The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch
> Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5
> inches of grip showing. A sledge hammer was laying nearby.
>
>
> His wife Carol, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman
> jury took only 9 minutes to find her "Not Guilty", accepting her
> defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his
> golf club.
>

[bigrun]

"Don't Judge Too Quickly" Commercials.
Real funny stuff...LMAO..


http://www.liveleak.com/view?i=59b_1363799230

[casp0555]

I seen this man on the sidewalk the other day with a steering wheel sticking out of the backside of his pants. I said to him " Dude, Did you know you have a steering wheel sticking out of the backside of your pants?" to which he replied " Yeah, it's driving me nuts!"

[bigrun]

Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal. As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.

''Oh yes please!?" the man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir,'' says the man with no arms.

But as Bob goes ahead, unzips the man, and pulls his willy out, he encounters all kinds of mold, red bumps, moles, scabs, scars, and other unpleasant-looking things. The armless man asks Bob to kindly point it... then shake it, put it back and zip it. So Bob, gathers his courage, shuts his eyes and does so.

''Thank you very much, sir!'' says the armless man.

''No problem,'' says Bob ''but what the hell is wrong with your penis?''

The guy pulls pulls his arms out of his shirt and says ''I don't know, but I ain't touching it!"

[bigrun]

Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food.

Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming... One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes.

There is a woman out there floating in our direction."
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind."

But within a few minutes, up on the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing. One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long,
long time... So... Do you think we should... well... You know... Screw her?"


[IMG][/IMG]


"Out of WHAT?!?" asked the other lawyer

[herkhorse]

umm, anyone hear any good jokes lately?

[geeker2]

Originally Posted by herkhorse

umm, anyone hear any good jokes lately?