Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[herkhorse]

Sven is passing by Ole's hay shed one day when through a gap in the
door he sees Ole doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red
Massey Ferguson .

'What on earth are you doing Ole', says Sven

'Jeez Sven, ye frightened the livin bejasus out of me', says an
obviously embarrassed Ole, 'but me and the Missus been having some trouble
lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something
sexy to a tractor."

[bigrun]

From The Department Of Homeland Security:



Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

[MaTH716]

For 2 years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey!,' she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.' 'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:
Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.
Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.

[bigrun]

Two good ol' boys in a Kentucky trailer park were sitting around
talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at their local
Toyota plant.
After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to
your trailer Saturday & make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and
she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head,
and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he
says, "Well, I don't know about kin, but it would make us even."

Short but sweet:

A conservative, a moderate, and a liberal walk into a bar.

The bartender asks, "What'll you have, Mitt?"

[mclem0822]

http://youtu.be/17szpGKv5xM

[MaTH716]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

[herkhorse]

RUGGED OUTDOOR MAN

During my physical examination, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I said I spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. The doctor then asked me about my normal routine. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through
2 miles of brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really shitt.y golfer".

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by MaTH716

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

that is funny

[herkhorse]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?


She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

A DEA agent stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher points and says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there."

The DEA agent verbally explodes: "Mister, I have the authority of the federal government behind me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish ... on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?"

The rancher nods politely, apologizes and goes about his chores. A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA agent running for his life while being chased by the rancher's prize bull.

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get "horned" before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs:

Your badge!! Show him your badge!!

[bigrun]

ALERTS TO FINANCIAL AND MILITARY THREATS IN 2012 EUROPE

By John Cleese (British writer, actor and tall person):

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria
and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to
"Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to
"Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror
alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France
are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent
fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing
the country's military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly"
to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective
Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance"
to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher
levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat
they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.
These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish
navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to
"She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I
think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is
canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

A final thought -" Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting
aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC."

[rpncaine]

JUST FRED

An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than
the posted speed limit, so he asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies.
'Fred what?' the officer asks.
'Just Fred,' the man responds.

The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break,
and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. The officer then presses
him for the last name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer
thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell
me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?'

The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred
Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through
college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree,
so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school.

Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through School, got my degree, so
then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS.
Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and
she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD.

Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA
taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as
Fred Johnson with VD.
Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.'

The officer walked away in tears, laughing.