Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[MaTH716]

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

[herkhorse]

RUGGED OUTDOOR MAN

During my physical examination, the doctor asked me about my physical activity level.

I said I spent 3 days a week, every week in the outdoors. The doctor then asked me about my normal routine. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical;I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through
2 miles of brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake.I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. I ran away from a pissed off mother bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers and a tall glass of bourbon"

Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," I replied, "I'm just a really shitt.y golfer".

[casp0555]

Originally Posted by MaTH716

A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."
The man perks up.
"So," the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But I understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."
The man agrees to talk it over with his wife.
The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?"
"Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?"
"Yes" says the man.
"What is your decision?" asks the doctor
"We're getting granite counter tops."

that is funny

[casp0555]

found on the web...

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at ,makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?

[my miss storm cat]

Originally Posted by casp0555

found on the web...

A pair of Polish brothers move to the U.S. and are living in New York City. They wanted to fit into American society so they watched the inhabitants very closely and tried to do the things other New Yorkers do. One day they're wandering around mid-town Manhattan at lunchtime, and they spot a hot dog vendor. Brother 1 turns to brother 2 and says, "They eat dogs in America? Do you think we should try some?" Brother 2 replies, "Well, we want to be like other Americans, I think we should try it". So they each order hot dog, then go sit on the curb to eat. Brother 1 unwraps his, looks at ,makes a face, and turns to his brother and says, "What part did you get?

I liked this one.

[TheSpyder]

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by TheSpyder

A girl I know said the last time she had sex, it was like the men's Olympic 100 meter final. I laughed, "Over in 9.5 seconds?"

"No," she said, "Eight black men and a gun."

Sign of the times..

[bigrun]

Heaven's Clerk

All arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explained that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower.

"Well, her hair was dry, so I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky, and I began to look for her lover. I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his finger tips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but
his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes.

On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me, and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."

The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the next office.

The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment, but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way
but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."

The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directed the man to the next room.

He was still giggling when his third customer of the day entered. He apologized and said, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the fellow in here just before you."

"I don't know," replied the man, "picture this, I'm buck naked hiding' in this cedar chest."