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#1
02-19-2011, 05:27 PM
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Alabama
A group of Alabama friends went deer hunting and paired off in twos for the day. That night, one of the hunters returned alone, staggering under the weight of an eight-point buck. "Where's Henry?" the others asked. "Henry had a stroke of some kind. He's a couple of miles back up the trail," the successful hunter replied. "You left Henry laying out there and carried the deer back?" they inquired. "A tough call," nodded the hunter. "But I figured no one is going to steal Henry!" Georgia The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?" The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everything but my earrings." Louisiana A senior citizen in Louisiana was overheard saying ... "When the end of the world comes, I hope to be in Louisiana ." When asked why, he replied, "I'd rather be in Louisiana because everything happens in Louisiana 20 years later than in the rest of the civilized world." Mississippi The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!" Bubba replied, "Did you see who it was?" The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number." North Carolina A man in North Carolina had a flat tire, pulled off on the side of the road, and proceeded to put a bouquet of flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car to wait. A passerby studied the scene as he drove by and was so curious he turned around and went back. He asked the fellow what the problem was. The man replied, "I have a flat tire." The passerby asked, "But what's with the flowers?" The man responded, "When you break down they tell you to put flares in the front and flares in the back. I never did understand it neither." Tennessee A Tennessee State trooper pulled over a pickup on I-65. The trooper asked, "Got any ID?" The driver replied, "Bout whut?" Texas The Sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his pick-up into the ditch. The Sheriff asked, "Why are you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head." "Yep", he replied. "That's why I'm dumpin' it here, cause it says: 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'."
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I l  Cigar, Medaglia d'Oro, Big Brown, Curlin, Rachel Alexandra, Silver Charm, First Samurai, Sumwonlovesyou, Lloydobler, Ausable Chasm, AND Prince Will I Am "Be daring, be different, be impractical, be anything that will assert integrity of purpose and imaginative vision against the play-it-safers, the creatures of the commonplace, the slaves of the ordinary.” Cecil Beaton 
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#2
02-19-2011, 08:09 PM
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I just watched Drugs' movie again!
Like seinfeld you find something new everytime but unless you've seen the first couple seasons it doesn't make sense. Masterpiece! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1zwL9KllwSw
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“To compel a man to furnish funds for the propagation of ideas he disbelieves and abhors is sinful and tyrannical.” Thomas Jefferson
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#3
02-24-2011, 02:49 PM
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A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the celebrated 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?" The man answered, "Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife s.hit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick, and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air."
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Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!" Last edited by MaTH716 : 02-24-2011 at 02:59 PM.
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#4
02-27-2011, 12:09 PM
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On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired Marine , and asked, Honey, do you remember this?"
He looked up from his newspaper and said; "Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married" She said, "Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night? He nodded and said "Yes dear, I said: Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out." She giggled and said, "That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight ?" He looked her up and down and said, " Mission Accomplished."
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#5
02-28-2011, 05:53 AM
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Quote:
 
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#6
02-28-2011, 03:51 PM
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Never assume someone understands
A woman was in a coma.
She had been in the coma for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever the nurse touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little 'oral sex' will do the trick bring her out of the coma. The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. What happened!? they cried. The husband said, I'm not sure; she must have choked.
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#7
02-28-2011, 07:33 PM
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A rough-and-ready testosterone-fueled biker’s group pulled
over when they spotted a shapely young chick poised prettily on a bridge – about to leap into the raging waters below! The leader of the pack yelled up to her and asked “What are you doing, honey?” “I’m gonna kill myself,” answered the distraught hottie, her short skirt whipping in the wind, exposing a beautiful pair of stems. Thinking fast, the brawny brute responded, “Well, cutie, before you do anything rash, why don’t ya come down here and I’ll give you a big goodbye kiss.” After a frightful pause, she finally acquiesced and hopped down and gave him a big, sloppy, lingering smooch to everyone’s great relief. “Wow!” the bike hog sighed. “That was the best damn kiss I’ve ever had! You’re a beautiful, young, sexy and passionate person. Why the Hell do you want to end your life?” The girl sighs, wipes the tears from her big, blue eyes and says, “My folks hate it when I dress up like a girl.”
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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#8
03-03-2011, 05:37 PM
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Skinny Dipping
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.. ' Holding the bucket up he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.' Some old men can still think fast.
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ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ
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