Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[Antitrust32]

Not a joke with a punch line but funny stuff:

Random Thoughts for the Day:

1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer's history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6. Was learning cursive really necessary?

7. Map Quest needs to start their directions on #5. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my damn neighborhood.

8. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

9. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

10. Bad decisions make good stories.

11. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

12. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don't want to have to restart my collection...again.

13. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to the ten-page paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

14. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this -- ever.

15. I hate it when I miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!)but when I immediately call back it rings nine times and goes to voicemail.. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

16. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day.. What a waste.

17. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

18. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

19. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

20. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay

[herkhorse]

not a joke, but funny

Return of the Pink Panther

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mQAMv...ayer_embedded#

[herkhorse]

I was standing in the park wondering why frisbees got bigger as they get closer. Then it hit me.



What do you call a psychic midget that escaped from prison? A small medium at large.






God: An invisible friend for adults






Imagine there were no hypothetical situations.

[Danzig]

A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.



The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.

The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeccable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.

The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeccable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.

Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country?

After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home

[opusone]

It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students
have turned in all their work and there is really nothing
more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher
decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask,
first and correctly can leave early today."

Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says,
"Abraham Lincoln."
Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his
mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says,
"I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

[timmgirvan]

Guy goes into a bar and there's a robot bartender.
The robot says "What will you have? The guy says "Martini" The robot brings the guy the greatest Martini ever and says to the man "what's your IQ? Guy says
168. The robot then proceeds to talk about space exploration,physics and medical technology.
The guy leaves,but he is curious. He goes back into the bar. The robot says
"what will you have"? Guy says "Martini" the robot brings him another great martini and asks him "what's your IQ? Guy says 100, so the robot starts to discuss NASCAR,Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds this very interesting. Guy goes back into bar,orders
another Martini. Robot asks him "What's your IQ"? Guys says "Oh, about 50"
The robot leans in closer and says "So, you people still happy you voted for Obama?"

[timmgirvan]

The Postal Service created a stamp with President Obama on it and noticed
the stamp wasn't sticking to the envelopes. This enraged the President and He demanded a full investigation. After a month of congressional testing and
1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presented the following findings: 1) the stamp is in perfect order 2) There is nothing wrong with the glue. 3) People are spitting on the wrong side of it