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  #1  
Old 08-08-2008, 12:35 AM
Coach Pants
 
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Default copypasta

Hilarious stuff...

Farting Penis

HI,

Not too sure where to start but I'm a 24 year old male with a VERY humiliating problem (at least to me). My PENIS farts. This is what my lastest girlfriend called it. Although she says it's the cutest and sexiest thing she's ever seen, I cant begin to express how embarassing this is to me.

It can be anything from a soft wet whistling sound to a very loud popping or air escaping quickly sound. Yes, just like regular fart but much higher pitched and can be about 5x as loud. (coming out of a smaller hole, I guess). During a typical hand job my PENIS can fart up to 30 times. My girlfriend seems to love it but I feel like crying. The gentlest squeeze especially at the base can elicit a fart but the worst is when I orgasm.

This is not a health issue as I've been doing this all me life. It doesnt hurt, in fact the vibrations alone can initiate an orgasm. Just humiliating. Most women dont say anything, some laugh but every girl who has witnessed this seems to be mesmerized by it.

I know women like confident men but I just cannot seem to get comfortable with this and I feel it is ruining my life. Girls talk and I feel like the talk of the town. High school was a nightmare.

My question is: Are my the only one. Has anyone else experienced this? I've checked books, done internet searches etc., but can't find anything related to my problem. I dont feel that I can cure the problem but how can I be more comfortable with it.

How would you feel if you met a man who was attractive, kind, sensitive and sincere but PENIS farted?

Sorry if I was being too graphic but I felt like I finially needed a womens opinion.

Thank you for your help and concern. Best Wishes
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  #2  
Old 08-08-2008, 12:56 AM
Coach Pants
 
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We were talking about this with a friend earlier: WHY ARE WHITE PEOPLE SO ANGRY AT BLACKS?

and we came up with this answer: they're jealous!

Let's see why:
1) We got awesome resistance against the sun. Enjoy being burned
2) We are more fit, we can outrun any white male anytime
3) We got bigger dicks
4) Girls dig us better
5) We have very wide social circles. White people have forgot how to live in society
6) We got rhythm. We can dance, rap, sing, make music, you name it!
7) A black chick wouldn't date a white boy. On the other hand, white girls would drop their white boyfriend anytime for a black guy if given the chance
8) We're simply cooler. Admit it, maybe it wasn't the case some 200 years ago, but nowadays being white sucks whereas being black is cool as hell
9) We got a sense of what family is about
10) We get MANY children so that our genes will last long on this mother****ing earth, not like your average pathetic 2 children
11) If you don't die a virgin, and happen to get a daughter... chances are she'll be sucking and swallowing black dicks

I could be going on and on and on but you get the point by now

Enjoy being white, sucker
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  #3  
Old 08-08-2008, 12:59 AM
Coach Pants
 
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You've got to help me, /b/. I've done something horrible.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend. When I saw them together, I got so furious, I slit their throats with my pocketknife. Then, I buried the two bodies and my mom got scared

And said, "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air."

I whistled for a cab and when it came near The license plate said fresh and it had dice in the mirror If anything I could say that this cab was rare But I thought, "Nah, forget it. Yo home to Bel-Air!"

I pulled up to the house about 7 or 8 And I yelled to the cabby yo holmes smell ya later Looked at my kingdom I was finally there To sit on my throne as the prince of Bel-Air.
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  #4  
Old 08-08-2008, 01:02 AM
Coach Pants
 
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Earlier during class I excused myself to go use the restroom. When I got there it was the usual cigarette butts in the toilets and ashes on the floor. This time though a couple students where cutting class and smoking marijuana in the bathroom.

At first they tried to hide it but then realizing it was too late they asked me if I wanted to smoke. Obviously a joke since I don't associate myself with the scumbag stoner group in school. I replied with a witty remark I once heard on a anti-drug program we watched in health class. "I can't get high I don't have a pilot's license," I said.

I then stormed out of the bathroom and straight to the principals office to inform him that people are smoking marijuana in the bathroom.

You marijuana smokers disgust me. You all listen to shitty classic rock and smell like garbage. I never see any of you with any nice looking girls. They are just a bunch of dirty junkies like you guys.
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  #5  
Old 08-08-2008, 01:04 AM
Coach Pants
 
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wow... today was a joke. This morning i hopped in the shower after cutting my chin and mustache 8 times with my worthless disposable razor, felt some pain while washing my face, realized they were raised welts (cystic acne). I opened the shower curtain and looked straight down at the tile, i was so close to getting out and swinging on the tiles as hard as i could... i must have stared at them for 5 minutes. But anyway, i get out and feel a really strong urge to use the bathroom... i normally hold it for 3 or 4 days cause i hate doing #2 lol.... But this was day 5... and i HAD to go. NOW.

I sat on the toilet after i got dressed and took a half diarrhea, half solid release. The solid part was so thick and wide that i honestly felt some of the worst pains of my life during the pushing. I started pulling up my pants right as the last bit fell out, tightened my belt and flushed the toilet... See i never believed in wiping before, thought it was a waste of time and what not, ... I mean I never get anything from wiping anyway so wtf is the point... right?

holy god was i wrong... i got to school and felt solid clumps deep between my cheeks, i figured my boxers were bunched up or summat. Right as i made it to my first period door i thought i felt something wet against my boxers... when i sat down my hypothesis was correct.. i had feces on them, and could start to smell them slightly. The damned room must have been 90 degrees, heat blowing because a computer malfunctioned, my ass and back started to sweat profusely and i had to make as little movement as possible to avoid disrupting it anymore. My teacher called me up to get a test paper, I thought about telling him to just throw it away, but of course i had to be an ideot and go up to get it, i walked by one kid and he said "dude you smell like bbq or something" My face got so red and everyone started saying "holy ****, you smell bad man, did you shower???"

I ignore them and get back to my desk... i take a look back at the board and notice a black dot on the ground, kids started questioning what it was and my heart started RACING. One kid sniffed it and exclaimed "OH MY GOD, ITS POOP!!!!" at this point the class was laughing excessively, i put my head down on my desk and smelled FUMES coming out from below it, i looked down and there was **** smeared all over the tile floor and on the bottoms of my jeans.

I ran full speed out the door, walked home and ended up punching my dads laptop on the way in and breaking the screen, he still isn't home, its gonna be hell when he sees it. I can honestly say im dropping out of school and enlisting in the marines, im NEVER showing my face at high school again. I mean it doesnt matter anyway, my GPA is 1.2 and im a 19 year old sophmore.
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  #6  
Old 08-08-2008, 01:13 AM
Coach Pants
 
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Hey Faggots,

My name is John, and I hate every single one of you. All of you are fat, retarded, no-lifes who spend every second of their day looking at stupid ass pictures. You are everything bad in the world. Honestly, have any of you ever gotten any *****? I mean, I guess it's fun making fun of people because of your own insecurities, but you all take to a whole new level. This is even worse than jerking off to pictures on facebook.

Don't be a stranger. Just hit me with your best shot. I'm pretty much perfect. I was captain of the football team, and starter on my basketball team. What sports do you play, other than "jack off to naked drawn japanese people"? I also get straight A's, and have a banging hot girlfriend (She just blew me; **** was SO cash). You are all faggots who should just kill yourselves. Thanks for listening.

Pic Related: It's me and my bitch
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  #7  
Old 08-08-2008, 01:15 AM
Coach Pants
 
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guys, you'll never believe what just happened no less than 15 minutes ago. so my sister and her boyfriend came home while i was watching tv and they went into the kitchen to get some drinks. while in the kitchen they were doing their whole lovey dovey thing and kissing and playing grab-ass and what not, and it was unappealing to me, so i went up to my room. a few minutes later, i heard them enter into my sister's room and then some rustling occured. i thought nothing of it, they were probably just making out again on her bed. then i heard her scream and i got worried so i ran over to her room, and opened the door, got on the floor, everybody walk the dinosaur! open to door, get on the floor, everbody walk the dinosaur! BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM BOOM BOOM ACKLAKKALAKKA BOOM!
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  #8  
Old 08-08-2008, 07:24 AM
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TheSpyder TheSpyder is offline
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Thank you for making me feel so much better about my life..

Spyder
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Find something to celebrate today!
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  #9  
Old 08-08-2008, 07:45 AM
GBBob GBBob is offline
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I had no idea..

1. copypasta 323 up, 43 down
A derogatory term for forum posts which contain a direct or nearly direct copy-and-paste of memes, posts from older forum discussions, or other material, often accompanied by an attempt to pass off the contents as new and original.

Commonly seen on 4chan.org's Random ("/b/") forum.
> I went to Taco Bell and tried
> to spend a $2 bill, and the
> cashier had no idea what it
> was and called the cops.

DAT'S SUM DELICIOUS COPYPASTA
meme forum plagiarism original troll
by BURT ROGES Dec 1, 2006 email it 0 comments
2. copypasta 272 up, 25 down
A simple dish, usually served as the main course, whose preparation consists of that act of highlighting, right clicking, copying, and pasting. Ingredients include primarily old posts and memes. Traditionally served with a large side of Desu and/or GTFO.
Original Post: Dear /b/,
(excessively long unnecessary story no one will read)

Anonymous: copypasta GTFO
4chan copypasta meme copy paste
by Davii Aug 1, 2007 email it 0 comments
3. copypasta 1 up, 1 down
1. An amount of lengthy text that has been repeatedly copied from somewhere and pasted as a reply to an irrelevant subject.

2.An alternative version of the slang term "copypasted".
1. "Dude, how was Monday night?"

"Don't say another word. Up until now, I've been polite. If you say anything else - one whisper of a word - I will destroy myself. And when my tainted spirit finds its destination, I will topple the master of that dark place. From my black throne, I will lash together a machine of bone and blood, and fueled by my hatred for you this fear engine will bore a hole between this world and that one."

2. "Your bio is fake? It's all copypasta?"
__________________
"but there's just no point in trying to predict when the narcissits finally figure out they aren't living in the most important time ever."
hi im god quote
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  #10  
Old 08-08-2008, 07:59 AM
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cowgirlintexas cowgirlintexas is offline
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Some very fuuny stuff there.. Almost spewed my coffe a few times I was laughing so hard...

By the way..I never figured you for a black guy.. Your black?!


Wait 'till Morty wakes up today and finds this thread..lmao...
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  #11  
Old 08-08-2008, 08:06 AM
GBBob GBBob is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by cowgirlintexas
Some very fuuny stuff there.. Almost spewed my coffe a few times I was laughing so hard...

By the way..I never figured you for a black guy.. Your black?!


Wait 'till Morty wakes up today and finds this thread..lmao...
I think you need to look at the definition of copypasta before taking ANYTHING in there at face value.

he can be arrogant, irritating, insightful, intelligent, hilarious and obnoxious

that's Coach
__________________
"but there's just no point in trying to predict when the narcissits finally figure out they aren't living in the most important time ever."
hi im god quote
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  #12  
Old 08-08-2008, 08:08 AM
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cowgirlintexas cowgirlintexas is offline
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Location: Mortyville, USA
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GBBob
I think you need to look at the definition of copypasta before taking ANYTHING in there at face value.

he can be arrogant, irritating, insightful, intelligent, hilarious and obnoxious

that's Coach
Caffine has'nt quite awakend the smart part of the brain yet.. Thanks
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  #13  
Old 08-08-2008, 08:36 AM
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Mortimer Mortimer is offline
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Outrageous.
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  #14  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:04 PM
Coach Pants
 
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Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****'s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!." Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!". By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little **** must've gotten in a ****heap of trouble.
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  #15  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:07 PM
Coach Pants
 
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My favorite so far...


Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and as you can see she's pretty hot. The picture doesn't really do her justice but they're all I've got at the moment. She's like 25 and she's only been at the school a few years. Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that's maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That's where all the trouble started.

Firstly, I walked into office like 15 minutes early like an idiot and she's in the middle of lunch. So I awkwardly make stupid stall talk until she's finished.

"Oh, hey, what are you eating?"
"Salmon. I love it. I eat it practically everyday."
"Just salmon? That's pretty weird." Why the hell did I say this?
"Oh, well, I don't know. I try to eat healthy, natural foods...you know, like wild berries and honey and stuff."
"Yeah, I like food too." *facepalm*

Man, I was so nervous. Anyway, we finally begin squaring my stuff away. She looks up what I registered with in the beginning of the year. This is when the crap really hit the fan. This is how the conversation went:

"Okay, you're account name is [my name] and your password is ...'depewissexy'..."

Oh damn. I completely forgot that I put that as my password in the beginning of the year. What the hell was I thinking? It was probably the longest 20 seconds of my life before I finally got my balls together to stand up and leave. Just as I walk out the door she says,

"In the future, you might want to bear in mind what kind of things you want keep to yourself."

I was so freaking embarrassed I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see her again. But something about what she just said kept me standing in her doorway. I decided to man up and apologize. I turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and swallowed my pride. And then, it hit me like a train full of bricks.

She was eating Salmon.

She tries to eat all healthy, natural foods, like wild berries and honey.

She told me that I might want to bear in mind what kind of things I want to keep to myself.

Ms. Depew was a bear disguised as a human.
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  #16  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:10 PM
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Mortimer Mortimer is offline
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winnah winnah chicken dinnah!!!
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  #17  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:36 PM
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Mortimer Mortimer is offline
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But what is this?

Is this someones internet diary something?
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  #18  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:39 PM
Coach Pants
 
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I was sitting alone at home one night, curled up in a blanket on the couch. I was watching "Sex in the City" and I heard a knock at the door. I got up, and looked out the peephole. It was Kobe Bryant. I was very surprised, I do not know him personally. I opened the door and let him in, because hey, its not like a huge NBA star is there to rob you or anything! After he stepped in the foyer, he grabbed me and made me swallow my chewing gum. I immediately blurted out that was a horrible thing to do because it will stay in there for 7 years! Kobe began laughing incredibly hard, then grabbed me again. Before I could even scream, he was ripping off my pants and lowering my panties, "jamming" his enormous dong into my tight, but willing cunny. He truly began raping me viciously in every hole, but it wasnt rape. I hadn't had sex in the past year, and I really needed this. Especially from such a well endowed man. As he thrusted in and out, he picked me up and moved me into the kitchen. I didnt have any idea why. He opened the freezer and removed my frozen pre-made chicken nuggets. He popped them in the microwave and continued his sexual escapade. Kobe began sniffing loudly, pulling in immense amounts of air through his huge negro nostrils. "Whats wrong, Kobe? Keep Thrusting!" I yelled, as I was nearing climax. But he continued sniffing uncontrollably. He then dropped me on the floor, reached in the microwave and grabbed the plate of nuggets. The worst thing ever happened next. He grabbed each nugget, smelled it, licked it, and then jammed it right into his anus. Before long, Kobe's anus was full of Tyson's very best nuggets, and I was masturbating to my second climax (I, however, did not notice him doing his thing with the nuggets). The next thing, however, was what shocked, surprised, and scarred me for life. Kobe walked over to me, and said "Ya hungry?" I said "Were you cooking those nuggets for us to eat? How thoughtful of you!" To my surprise, he said "No way bitch! Now eat up!" and he sat right down on my face and began to **** the nuggets, one by one, into my mouth. He exhibited amazing anal control, and surprisingly the **** encrusted nuggets tasted fabulous. Kobe has been coming over whenever the Lakers are in town for the past year ohh yeah.
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  #19  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:40 PM
Coach Pants
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mortimer
But what is this?

Is this someones internet diary something?
www.4chan.org
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  #20  
Old 08-08-2008, 03:43 PM
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Mortimer Mortimer is offline
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Thanks..I'll check it.

I have to admit...your fav is by far mine as well. That was pretty funny.
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