Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

Resimay

Deer Sir,

I waunt to apply for the secritary job what I saw in the paper. I can Type real quik wit one finggar and do sum a counting.

I think I am good on the phone and no I am a pepole person, Pepole really seam to respond to me well.

Im lookin for a Jobb as a secritary but it musent be to complicaited

I no my spelling is not to good but find that I Offen can get a job thru my persinalety. My salerery is open so we can discus wat you want to pay me and wat you think that I am werth,

I can start imeditely. Thank you in advanse fore yore anser.

hopifuly Yore best aplicant so farr.


Sinseerly,

Peggy May Starlings


PS : Because my resimay is a bit short - below is a pickture of me.




secretary.jpg


Employer's response:......



Dear Peggy May,

It's OK honey, we've got spell check

[Arletta]

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach.

He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'

[MaTH716]

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away .
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

[bigrun]

Originally Posted by MaTH716

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem . While they were there, the wife passed away .
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000 .
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home .
The undertaker asked him, "why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????"
The husband replied, "Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!"

[Arletta]

1505223_561653580578797_1388097291_n.jpg

[herkhorse]

for geeker:



Two men are

sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the

first man turns to the other one and says: "You
know, last week I discovered

that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the

10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you

around the building and
back into the window."

The bartender just

shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
bar, but says nothing. The

second guy says, "What? Are you insane?
There's no way in heck that could

happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to

you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets

toward
the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind

whips
him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and

he
takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who

is
astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that

must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically

impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he

jumps. Again,
just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th

floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window.

He takes
the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges

his
dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the

second guy says, "I've seen that it works,
so I'll try it!"

He

immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly
passes the

11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors his body hits the sidewalk with
a loud

"splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time

turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You

know, Superman, you're a real as$hole when you're drunk."

[TheSpyder]

Excellent

Originally Posted by herkhorse

for geeker:



Two men are

sitting at the bar at the top of the Empire State Building
drinking, when the

first man turns to the other one and says: "You
know, last week I discovered

that if you jump from the top of this
building, by the time you fall to the

10th floor, the wind around the
building is so intense that it carries you

around the building and
back into the window."

The bartender just

shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the
bar, but says nothing. The

second guy says, "What? Are you insane?
There's no way in heck that could

happen!"

"No, it's true," said the first man, "let me prove it to

you."

He gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony and plummets

toward
the street below. When he passes the 10th floor, the high wind

whips
him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and

he
takes the elevator back up to the bar. He meets the second man, who

is
astonished.

"You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that

must've been a
one-time fluke. That was scientifically

impossible!"

"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he

jumps. Again,
just as his body hurtles towards the street, the 10th

floor wind
gently carries him around the building and into the window.

He takes
the elevator back to the bar. Once upstairs, he successfully urges

his
dubious fellow drinker to try it.

"Well, what the heck," the

second guy says, "I've seen that it works,
so I'll try it!"

He

immediately jumps over the balcony - plunges downward - rapidly
passes the

11th, 10th, 9th, 8th floors his body hits the sidewalk with
a loud

"splat."

Back upstairs, the bartender who had been silent the whole time

turns to the first drinker, and shakes his head. He says, "You

know, Superman, you're a real as$hole when you're drunk."