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#1
11-22-2006, 12:46 PM
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Comedian Jon Stewart On Thanksgiving
"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land." - Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show 
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#2
11-23-2006, 10:48 AM
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Turkey Funnies.......
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebo...4/jokeid/80387
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#3
11-23-2006, 01:15 PM
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Difference Between Prison and Work !
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell. AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 4X6 cabin. IN PRISON... you get three meals a day. AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it. IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior. AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself. IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games. AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family. IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required. AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens. AT WORK...they are called managers. IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out. AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
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#4
11-23-2006, 02:10 PM
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Can cold water clean dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 yr old grandfather in a secluded,rural section of Georgia. After spending a great evening chatting the night away,the following morning Johns' grandfather prepared a breakfast of eggs,bacon a nd toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate and asked "Are you sure this dishes are clean"? His grandfather replied "the're as clean as cold water can get them. Just finish your meal,Sonny!" For lunch, the old man made hamburgers. Again John was concerned as his plate appeared to have tiny specks of egg on the edges. He asked again "Are you sure these dishes are clean?" The old man barked " I told you before, they're as cold as cold water can get them...now I don't want to hear another thing about it" Later that afternoon,as John was leaving, the dog started growling and wouldn't let him get to his car. John yelled "Grandfather,your dog won't let me get to my car! Without diverting his attention from the game on tv, the old man shouted "Coldwater,GO LAY DOWN!
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#5
11-23-2006, 07:08 PM
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The Twelve Days Of Thanksgiving
On the First Day... We give thanks for the fresh turkey feast and its hot trimmings. On the Second Day... We bless the cold turkey sandwiches, sloshy cranberry sauce, and hard rolls. On the Third Day... We praise the turkey pie and vintage mixed veggies. On the Fourth Day... We thank the pilgrims for not serving bison that first time, or we'd be celebrating Thanksgiving in April. On the Fifth Day... We gobble up cubed bird casserole and pray for a glimpse of naked turkey carcass. On the Sixth Day... We show gratitude (sort of) to the creative cook who slings cashews at the turkey and calls it Oriental. On the Seventh Day... We forgive our forefathers and pass the turkey-nugget pizza. On the Eighth Day... The word ''vegetarian'' keeps popping into our heads. On the Ninth Day... We check our hair to make sure we're not beginning to sprout feathers. On the Tenth Day... We hope that the wing meat kabobs catch fire under the broiler. On the Eleventh Day... We smile over the creamed gizzard because the thigh bones are in sight. On the Twelfth Day... We apologize for running out of turkey leftovers. And everybody says Amen.
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#6
11-24-2006, 09:54 AM
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Naked Man
It was three o'clock in the morning, and the receptionist at a posh hotel was just dozing off, when a little old lady came running towards her, screaming. "Please come quickly!" she yelled, "I just saw a naked man outside my window!" The receptionist immediately rushed up to the old lady's room. "Where is he?" asked the receptionist. "He's over there," replied the little old lady, pointing to an apartment building opposite the hotel. The receptionist looked over and could see a man with no shirt on, moving around his apartment. "It's probably a man who's getting ready to go to bed," she said reassuringly. "And how do you know he's naked, you can only see him from the waist up?" "The dresser, honey!" screamed the old lady. "Try standing on the dresser!"
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#7
11-24-2006, 11:10 PM
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A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all
perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Reva, What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."
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Hybrid Mode
