Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

Watery Eyes After Sex

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other,

You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why be that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

[casp0555]

"Once there was a man at his home, he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door and saw a snail. He threw the snail as far and as hard as he could.
3 years later the man hears a knock on his door again. It was the snail. It said "What the f*** was that for?!"

[bigrun]

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.


SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot
by the woman’s husband.

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstong, especially after
what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by
and changes the channels. He is Sick


THE AGONY OF AGING
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked, you're supposed to turn your clock back".


SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen


PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
She says "If you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"


EASY JET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "How should I know! It's your bloody plane."

[herkhorse]

> Subject: The Parrot Died
>
>
> The Parrot Died At dawn the telephone rings.
> "Hello, Señor Roy ? This is Ernesto, the Caretaker at your country house."
>
> "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
>
> "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
>
> "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
> "Si, Señor, that's the one."
>
> "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
>
> "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
>
> "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>
> "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
>
> "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>
> "The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
>
> "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
>
> "Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
>
> "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>
> "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
> "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
>
> "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
>
> "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
> "Yes, Señor Roy ."
>
> "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
> "For the funeral, Señor Roy."
>
> "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
>
> "Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so, I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
> SILENCE...........
>
> LONG SILENCE.........
>
> VERY LONG SILENCE............
>
>








"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****.
>
>

[bigrun]

Everyone has their priorities..

[bigrun]

Texting



An elderly couple had just learned how to send text

messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic

type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message

and she wrote:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."

[casp0555]

an oldie but made me smile today.....

Three bulls heard the rancher was bringing another bull onto the ranch.
First Bull: "I've been here five years. I'm not giving this new bull any of my 100 cows."
Second Bull: "I've been here three years and have earned my right to 50 cows. I'm keeping all my cows."
Third Bull: "I've only been here a year, and so far, you guys have only let me have 10 cows. I may not be as big as you fellows, but I'm keeping all 10 of my cows."
Just then an 18-wheeler pulls up in the pasture carrying the biggest bull they've ever seen. At 4,700 pounds, each step he takes strains the steel ramp.
First Bull: "I think I can spare a few cows for our new friend."
Second Bull: "I actually have too many cows to take care of. I can spare a few. I'm certainly not looking for an argument."
They look over at the third bull and find him pawing the dirt, shaking his horns and snorting.
First Bull: "Son, don't be foolish -- let him have some of your cows and live to tell about it."
Third Bull: "Hell, he can have all my cows. I'm just making sure he knows I'm a bull."