Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[Player_Player]

$7.00 Sex




An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.

When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'

He thanks them for coming, he wishes them good luck, he charges them $50 and he says good bye.

The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.

This happens several weeks in a row


The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leave.

Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'

The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything.

She's married; so we can't go to her house.

I'm married; and we can't go to my house.

The Holiday Inn charges $98.

The Hilton charges $139.

We do it here for $50, and Medicare pays $43 of it, leaving my net cost of $7.00


SHAME ON YOU FOR LAUGHING AT THAT...

[Player_Player]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical advertising in doctor's offices on everything from tissues to note pads This one should get First prize....




I e-mailed it to my Chinese doctor friend; he e-mailed back:
"If light stay on more than 4 hour, call erectrician.

[herkhorse]

http://www.derbytrail.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43126

[Player_Player]

Best Divorce Letter Ever!


Dear Wife,

I am writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you forever. I've been a good man to you for 7 years and I have nothing to show for it.

These last 2 weeks have been hell; your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today and that was the last straw.

Last week you came home and didn't even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favourite meal and even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes and went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps.

You don't tell me you love me any more; you don't want anything that connects us as husband and wife. Either you're cheating on me or you don't love me any more - whatever the case, I'm gone.

Your EX-Husband

PS: Your sister and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a nice day.


************************************************** ******

Dear Ex-Husband,

Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It's true you and I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you've been..

I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining and griping. Too bad that doesn't work.

I did notice your haircut last week, but the first thing that came to mind was, 'You look just like a girl!' Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can't say something nice, I didn't comment.

When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with my sister, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago.

About those new silk boxers I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them and I pray it was a coincidence that my sister had borrowed $50 from me that morning.

After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I hit the Lotto for $10 million, I quit my job and bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica, but when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason,
I guess.

I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won't get a dime from me. So take care.

Signed,
Your Ex-Wife - Rich as hell and FREE!

PS: I don't know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that's not a problem.

[Player_Player]

Wisdom!


A guy is 72years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he a heard a voice say pick me up.

He looked around and couldn' see anyone.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,'Pick me up.' He looked in the water and there, floating on the top,
was a frog. The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'


The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.' Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!'


The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front pocket. The frog said,

'What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.'


He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,

Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog.

[Player_Player]

Cooter and Gomer





Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer.

The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunt camp.

Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, 'Nope, ain't Stanley'.

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.

Gomer looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up.

Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, 'No, it ain't Stanley'.

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Gomer said, 'Well, Stanley had two assholes.'

'What? He had two assholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

'There's Stanley with them two assholes.'

[Player_Player]

Welfare Check

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.

He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know...., I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We
just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur
and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in
his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected
to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather
awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to
satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a
rather strong sex drive."

The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ... you started it."

[3kings]

Originally Posted by herkhorse

http://www.derbytrail.com/forums/showthread.php?t=43126

I laughed.

[MaTH716]

A woman was in a coma.

She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed
that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her
there.

They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened,
telling him,

'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex
will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that
they would close the curtains for privacy.

The husband finally agreed and went into his
wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat
lined, no pulse, no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. 'What
happened!?' they cried.



The husband said, 'I'm not sure. Maybe she
choked.'

[herkhorse]

we interrupt Chuckfest for a joke





The awesome power of a wife's love




A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the
aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort
forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.


With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.


There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of
his favorite chocolate chip cookies.


Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife,
seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?


Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The
aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the
table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said.













"They're for the funeral."

[clyde]

Do you mind?




We're on the SOA fest now,by the way.