Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[herkhorse]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he
finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a
chair. While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets
on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the
bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, 'Listen,
this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably
spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw
how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't
complain...do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he
nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry,
he will kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!'

His wife responds, 'He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in
my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.

Be strong. I love you, too.'

[herkhorse]

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair,Given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy. Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No...not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times....'

[Rudeboyelvis]

A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip
Of her index finger shot off. 'How did this happen?' the emergency
Room doctor asked her.

'Well, I was trying to commit suicide,' the blonde replied.

'What?' sputtered the doctor. 'You tried to commit suicide by shooting
Off your finger?'

'No, Silly' the blonde said. 'First I put the gun to my chest, &
Then I thought, 'I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants...

I'm not shooting myself in the chest.'

'So then?' asked the doctor.

'Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, 'I just paid $3,000.00
To get my teeth straightened I'm not shooting myself in the mouth.'

'So then?'

'Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: 'This is going to make a
Loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the
Trigger.