Joke of the Day

Downthestretch55 · #1 09-30-2006, 03:57 PM

another golf joke...

Christians vs Jews on the course...

The Pope met with a Cardinal to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said the Cardinal, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

Two days later, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"SECOND?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "YOU LOST TO SHIMON PERES?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus calmly, "second to Rabbi Woods."

Downthestretch55 · #2 10-01-2006, 02:10 PM

Stress Management:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now, feeling better?

timmgirvan · #3 10-02-2006, 04:57 AM

A man takes his wife and mother-in-law on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told the man "You can have her shipped home for burial for 5,000, or you can bury her in the Holy Land for 150" The man thought about it and told him he'd just have to have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "why would you spend 5,000 to have your mother-in-law shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only 150? The man replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance"

timmgirvan · #4 10-02-2006, 05:19 AM

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says "Why in the world do you need cyanide"? She then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists' eyes got big and he said "Lord, have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kind of bad things will happen! Absolutely Not. You can Not have any cyanide! Calmly, the woman reached inside her purse and pulled out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacists' wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied "Well now, you didn't Tell me you had a prescription!"

Downthestretch55 · #5 10-02-2006, 05:52 PM

The Letter
A husband wrote the following letter for his wife and left it on the dining room table: "To My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year-old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset - I shall be home before midnight."

When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: "My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of Math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow."

timmgirvan · #6 10-02-2006, 06:15 PM

DTS: OH, The IRONY!

bogeydaman · #7 10-03-2006, 09:45 PM

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"