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#1
10-09-2009, 10:54 AM
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A man was at the country club for his weekly round of golf. He began his round with an eagle on the first hole and a birdie on the second.
On the third hole he had just scored his first ever hole-in-one when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU. The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving what was shaping up to be his best ever round of golf. He decided to get in a couple of more holes before heading to the hospital. He ended up playing all eighteen, finishing his round shooting a personal best 61, shattering the club record by five strokes and beating his previous best game by more than 10. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition. The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and finished your round of golf didn't you! "I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself at the country club your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished that round because it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!" The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed . The doctor snickered and said, "I'm just screwin' with you. She's dead. What'd you shoot?"
__________________
We've Gone Delirious 
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#2
10-12-2009, 11:47 AM
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A WOMAN'S POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep, I pray for a man who's not a creep, One who's handsome, smart and strong. One who loves to listen long, One who thinks before he speaks, One who'll call, not wait for weeks. I pray he's rich and self-employed, And when I spend, won't be annoyed. Pull out my chair and hold my hand. Massage my feet and help me stand. Oh send a king to make me queen. A man who loves to cook and clean. I pray this man will love no other. And relish visits with my mother A MAN'S POEM: I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who Owns a bar on a golf course, and loves to send me fishing and drinking. I know this doesn't rhyme and I don't give a sh*t.
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#3
10-15-2009, 07:17 AM
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I was at the mall the other day eating at the food court. I noticed an old man watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange and blue.
The old man kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find the old man staring every time. When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?” The old man did not bat an eye in his response, “Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
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#4
10-15-2009, 07:19 AM
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An 85 year old man is at the doc’s having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling. “Never better!” he replies. “I’ve got an eighteen year old bride who’s pregnant with my child! What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers this for a moment, then says, “Well, let me tell you a story… I know a guy who’s an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he’s in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun. So he’s walking in the woods near a creek and suddenly spots a beaver in some brush in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the beaver and squeezes the handle. *BAM* The beaver drops dead in front of him.” “That’s impossible !” said the old man in disbelief, “Someone else must have shot that beaver.” “Exactly.”
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#6
10-16-2009, 08:36 AM
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Cocktail Conversation
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone. She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen." "That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?" "No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?" He answered, "B.J. Titsengolf." 
__________________
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#7
10-22-2009, 08:56 AM
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Just when you have lost faith in human kindness, someone who teaches at Kean Elementary in Wooster , Ohio forwarded the following letter.
The letter was sent to the Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. An old lady received a new radio at the luncheon as a door prize and was writing to say thank you. This story is a credit to all humankind. Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today. Dear Kean Elementary: God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizens Luncheon. I'm 84 years old and live at the Sprenger Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone now and it's nice to know that someone is thinking of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio, but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. Her distress over the broken radio touched me and I knew this was God's way of answering my prayers. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to kiss my ass. Thank you for that opportunity.. Sincerely, Agnes Baker 
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Hybrid Mode
