Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Originally Posted by dellinger63

Guts or Balls.

> There is a medical distinction.
> We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
> the difference between them ? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> definitions are listed below:
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
> guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
> 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
> guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
> wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
> death.

BROXTON N' BILLINGSLEY have neither.

[herkhorse]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[herkhorse]

from one of the best dutch comic shows ever Koot & Bie:


this was shown on public tv back in the 70s
the joke being the subtitles tell a different story...

...sorry in advance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmH2O...layer_embedded

[3kings]

New Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th floors have never been visited.

[chucklestheclown]

A man comes home from work and plops in front of the TV and says to his wife "Get me a beer before it starts." She sighs and does it.
Fifteen minutes later he says "Get me another beer before it starts." She's pissed, but gets it and slams it down on the table. He drinks it quickly and says "OK, it's about to start...get me another one."
The wife is FURIOUS. She yells "Is that all you're going to do all night is sit in front of the GD TV and drink beer? You are a lazy, good for nothing POS and furthermore...".
He sighs and says..."It's started."

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Having to wear headphones in your own house (THAT'S A FKN JOKE.)

[chucklestheclown]

Johnny comes downstairs crying.

Mom says, "What's wrong?"

Johnny sobs, "I was watching dad hanging a picture and he hit his thumb with the hammer."

In a soothing voice, Mom says, "Honey, that's not so bad; instead of crying you should have just laughed."

Johnny says, "I did."

[dustmop]

Was just wondering here....anyone heard any good jokes lately?

[SCUDSBROTHER]

"CIRCO" ......Scuds('09)


Boat Don't Go No Where.......(No-No)

Ju'tgo In A Circo.....(Yea-Yea)

She Just Wear A Poncho.... (Ung-Kay)

Boat Just Go In Circo...(Uhn-Huh)

Head Up n' Down........(Hell-Yea)

She A Preacha Do A Miraco....(No-No)

I See She Do Fu-lay-sho........(Ung-Kay)

Sudan Good Fu-lay-sho.....(All-Right)

An Da Boat Just Go n' Circo.....(Uhn-Huh)

..... Circo

[mclem0822]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

[mclem0822]

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[GPK]

This elderly couple in their 80's had both lost their previous spouses. In an effort to combat growing older alone, they decided to marry. After finally sorting out the normal new couple issues, such as money, whos house to live in, etc...the old man finally gathered the courage to ask his soon to be new bride about their love life.

"How often do you like sex?" He inquired.

"Infrenquently" she responsed

Thinking for a second, he asked "Is that one word or two?"