Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[mclem0822]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[TheSpyder]

Why did the Polish (put in appropriate ethnic race for your purpose)prostitute return the vibrator she bought?

























It kept chipping her teeth.

[herkhorse]

________________________________________


________________________________________








Voted Best Joke in Ireland
This Year

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life
between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the 'Best Toast Of The Night'!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself... You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come'.

[herkhorse]

A golfer playing in Ireland
hooked
his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little
Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the
Leprechaun
asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,'
the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye
got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the
golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and
I apologize.'

And the golfer walks
off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says
to
himself.

I have to do something
for him. I'll
give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On
the same
hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye
hit the ball here,' the
little guy says. 'I just want to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'

'Oh,
I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just
wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills
I didn't even know were
there!'

'I
did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex
life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away
in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's
OK.'

C'mon,
c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I
did a good job. How many times a
week?'

Blushing even more, the
golfer looks around then
whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only
once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the
golfer, 'I figure that's not
bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.'

[hi_im_god]

three horses are talking before a race. the first one says, "i've been in four races and only lost once."

the second one says, "that's nothing, i've been in five races and never been beaten."

the third horse says, "well i've been in 6 races, including two graded stakes and i've never lost."

there's a soft chuckle. a smiling greyhound nearby yawns then says, "i was in over 50 races, never lost, and won most by 3 lengths or more."

the horses look at each other in shock.

the first horse says, "holy fuc k! a talking dog!!!"

[Indian Charlie]

Did you guys hear about that new Mexican-Jewish restaurant?

It's named Casa de Hadassah.

[Payson Dave]

usually good for a chuckle...
http://www.indiancharlie.com/newsletter030309.html

[Sightseek]

Has anyone tried the new OctoSlam Breakfast at Denny's?

8 eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you pays for it all.

[herkhorse]

Guts or balls................
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definitions are exemplified below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: You're next,
Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.


>

[Princess Doreen]

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people
ACTUALLY said in court, WORD FOR WORD....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: Is there any other kind?

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.


LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But","The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his pe...
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George

[satan's twin]

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs.

1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism



94% just liked the peace and quiet

[herkhorse]

Have any of you guys ever had rodeo sex?





Rodeo sex is when you're riding your wife or girlfriend doggie style and you call her by the wrong name and see if you can stay on for 8 seconds.




Whoa! :eek






Thud