Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[TheSpyder]

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so
much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have
never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart.

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed. Well, the
passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, 'I don't feel like it, I
just want you to hold me.'


I said, 'WHAT??!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear...
'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me
to satisfy your physical needs as a man.'

She responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who
I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with
her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big
unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on
several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to
take, so I told her we'd just buy them all.. She wanted new shoes to
compliment her new clothes, so I said, 'Lets get a pair for each outfit.'

We went on to the jeweler department where she picked out a pair of diamond
earrings. Let me tell you...
She was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a
shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a
tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.

I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.' She was
almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with
excited anticipation, she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go
to the cashier.'

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel
like it.'

Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,
'WHAT?'

I then said, 'Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. You're
just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy
your shopping needs as a woman..'

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, 'Why
can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that bitch
knows I'm smarter than her.

[GBBob]

Not bad..12 jokes and Asians, African Americans and the female race have all been lit up...excellent work..I think the late night crew will really heat things up..

[mclem0822]

One day at a busy airport, the passengers on a commercial airliner are seated waiting for the pilot to show up so they can get under way.

The pilot and copilot finally appear in the rear of the plane and begin walking up to the cockpit through the center aisle. Both appear to be blind; the pilot is using a white cane, bumping into passengers right and left as he stumbles down the aisle. The copilot is using a guide dog. Both have their eyes covered with sunglasses.

At first, the passengers do not react thinking that it must be some sort of practical joke. After a few minutes though, the engines start revving, and the airplane begins moving down the runway.

The passengers look at each other with some uneasiness. They start whispering among themselves and look desperately to the stewardesses for reassurance.

Yet, the plane starts accelerating rapidly, and people begin panicking. Some passengers are praying, and as the plane gets closer and closer to the end of the runway, the voices are becoming more and more hysterical.

When the plane has less than twenty feet of runway left, there is a sudden change in the pitch of the shouts as everyone screams at once. At the very last moment, the plane lifts off and is airborne.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot breathes a sigh of relief and tells the pilot: "You know, one of these days the passengers aren't going to scream, and we aren't going to know when to take off!"

[TheSpyder]

Why did the Polish (put in appropriate ethnic race for your purpose)prostitute return the vibrator she bought?

























It kept chipping her teeth.

[herkhorse]

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Voted Best Joke in Ireland
This Year

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, 'Here's to spending the rest of me life
between the legs of me wife!'

That won him the top prize at the pub for the 'Best Toast Of The Night'!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, 'I won the prize for the Best toast of the night'

She said, 'Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?'
John said 'Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.'

'Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!' Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, 'John won the prize the other night at the pub
with a toast about you, Mary.'

She said, 'Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself... You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come'.

[herkhorse]

A golfer playing in Ireland
hooked
his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little
Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the
Leprechaun
asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,'
the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye
got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the
golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and
I apologize.'

And the golfer walks
off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says
to
himself.

I have to do something
for him. I'll
give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On
the same
hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye
hit the ball here,' the
little guy says. 'I just want to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'

'Oh,
I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just
wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills
I didn't even know were
there!'

'I
did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex
life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away
in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's
OK.'

C'mon,
c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I
did a good job. How many times a
week?'

Blushing even more, the
golfer looks around then
whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only
once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the
golfer, 'I figure that's not
bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.'

[hi_im_god]

three horses are talking before a race. the first one says, "i've been in four races and only lost once."

the second one says, "that's nothing, i've been in five races and never been beaten."

the third horse says, "well i've been in 6 races, including two graded stakes and i've never lost."

there's a soft chuckle. a smiling greyhound nearby yawns then says, "i was in over 50 races, never lost, and won most by 3 lengths or more."

the horses look at each other in shock.

the first horse says, "holy fuc k! a talking dog!!!"