Joke of the Day

[Danzig]

a southern belle gets on a plane to fly overseas...a well to do woman sits next to her.

'so where are y'all from' the southern belle asks?
snottily, the other replies 'from a place where we don't misplace our modifiers!'

a minute later, the belle turns to her again and smiles sweetly. 'so where are y'all from, bitch?'

[Downthestretch55]

Smart elephant

An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age.

The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man
had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy.

"Oh yes." the boy said.

The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.

The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man.
Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice.

Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"

[Downthestretch55]

Bubba & Earl
Bubba & Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when the decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how's that toilet brush?"

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I'm gonna go back to paper."

[dr. fager]

While walking through the woods a man came upon another man hugging a
tree with his ear firmly against the tree.

Seeing this, he inquired, "Just out of curiosity, what the heck are you
doing? "I'm listening to the music of the tree," the other man replied.
"You gotta be kiddin' me."

No, would you like to give it a try?"
Understandably curious, the man says, "Well, OK..." So he wrapped his
arms around the tree and pressed his ear up against it. With this, the other
guy slapped a pair of handcuffs on him, took his wallet, jewelry, car
keys, then stripped him naked and left.

Two hours later another nature lover strolled by, saw this guy handcuffed
to the tree stark naked, and asked, "What the hell happened to you?"
He told the guy the whole terrible story about how he got there. When
he finished telling his story, the other guy shook his head in sympathy,
walked around behind him, kissed him gently behind the ear and said,
"this just ain't gonna be your day cupcake..."

[Downthestretch55]

A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to her place, and as she shows him around her apartment, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears.

Hundreds of small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones on a shelf a little higher and huge bears on the top shelf along the wall.

The man is kind of surprised that this woman would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her.

After a night of passion, as they are lying together in the after glow the man rolls over and asks, smiling, "Well, how was it?"

The woman says, "You can have any prize from the BOTTOM shelf."

[Downthestretch55]

Italian Bus Humor
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

[Downthestretch55]

Bug Spray...anything for a sale

"Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it."
The farmer was dubious. "Young man, I'll make you a proposition. I'll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I'll buy a whole case from you.

The salesman was delighted. They went to the field and he stripped.The farmer sprayed him thoroughly with the bug spray and tied him to a stake.

Back to the house went the farmer. The next morning, the farmer and his family trooped out to the cornfield. Sure enough, the salesman was there, hanging in his bonds, not a single bite on him. Yet he was a total wreck! Pale, ghastly, haggard, and drawn, but not one bite on him.

The farmer was perplexed. "Son," he said, "Now, you don't have a bite on you but you look like hell! What the devil happened?"

The salesman looked up through bloodshot eyes and croaked,

"Doesn't that calf have a mother?"

[MaTH716]

Two quick and easy to remember jokes:

How do stop a dog from humping your leg?

Pick him up and blow him!


When is it ok to spit in an Italian womans face?

When her mustache is on fire!

[Downthestretch55]

An 80 year old man went for his annual check-up and the Doctor said "Friend, for your age, you're in the best shape I've seen." The old fella replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know for sure that I live a good, clean, spiritual life." The Doctor ask him, "What makes you say that?" The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life, the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom lights on for me everytime I get up in the middle of the night." The Doc was concerned, "You mean, when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord himself turns the light on for you?" "Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me." Well, the Doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check-up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape, but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him. " "He What?" She cried. "He said that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him." "AHA!!" She exclaimed.......... "So he's the one who's been peeing in the fridge!"

Last friday, i was driving down the freeway when i saw the blue flashing lights behind me. After about a mile, i decided to pull over. The traffic cop gets out of his car and walks over to mine.

"Sir", he says, "we have been following you for over a mile now doing 90mph". " It's friday night at 5pm, i've had a long day and just about to sign off from duty". "I really don't need this paperwork now, so if you can give me a valid reason as to why you were doing 90mph on the freeway, that i've never heard before, i will let you go".

"Well, officer" i said. " Six years ago, my bitch of a wife ran off with a traffic cop, and i just thought you were trying to return her ".

"Have a good evening sir".

[bogeydaman]

Subject: NOAH IN 2006

In the year 2006, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now
living in the United States, and said, "Once again,
the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I
see the end of all flesh before me.

Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing
along with a few good humans."

He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have 6
months to build the Ark before I will start the
unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.

"Noah!" He roared , "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"

"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have
changed. I needed a building permit. I've been arguing
with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler
system. My neighbors claim that I've violated the
neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my
yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.

Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond
be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and
other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move
to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming
to us, but they would hear nothing of it.

Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees
in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists
that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!

When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights
group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals
against their will. They argued the accommodation was
too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put
so many animals in a confined space.

Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until
they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your
proposed flood.

I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human
Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed
to hire for my building crew.

Immigration and Naturalization are checking the
green-card status of most of the people who want to
work.

The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist
I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building
experience.

To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets,
claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.

So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this Ark."

Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked
up in wonder and asked, "You mean you're not going to
destroy the world?"

"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."

[Downthestretch55]

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
1. No taxes
2. No debt
3. Plenty buffalo
4. Plenty beaver
5. Women did all the work
6. Medicine man free
7. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."