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#1
08-16-2006, 11:59 PM
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Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation. The first guy says, "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E. , you know... ''Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist.'' The second guy says, "I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know... ''Double Income, No Kids Yet. " The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know... ''Rich, Urban, Biker. " The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know... ''Double Income, Little Dog Owner.'' They turn to the woman and ask her. ''What are you?'' She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know... Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc.'' 
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#2
08-17-2006, 12:03 AM
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A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, "Cruise Special -- $99!" So she goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, "I'd like the $99 cruise special, please."
The agent says, "Yes, ma'am," the he grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her into a large inner tube, pulls her out the back door and downhill to the river bank, where he pushes her in and sends her floating down the river. A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays down her money, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river. Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde. They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, "Do they serve refreshments on his cruise?" The second blonde replies, "They didn't last year
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#3
08-17-2006, 12:06 AM
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A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."
"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally, or as a suppository....it's up to you."
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#4
08-17-2006, 12:08 AM
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I have to say this is my best one
 A very ugly woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids. The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, "Are they twins?" The ugly woman says, "No, he's 9 and she's 7. Why? Do you think they really look alike?" "No," replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice.
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#5
08-17-2006, 12:30 PM
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The Naughty Dog
A married man decided to work late to be with his sexy secretary, so he called his wife to make up an excuse. After work he invited his secretary to dinner. It soon became obvious that he was going to get lucky, so the two went back to her apartment and had great sex for two hours. Afterward the fellow went to the bathroom to straighten up for the trip home and noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He panicked, wondering what to tell his wife. After the man unlocked his front door, his dog came bounding to greet him. Aha, the man thought, and promptly fell to the carpet, pretending to fight off the affectionate animal. Holding his neck with one hand, he said, 'Honey, look what the dog did to my neck!' 'Hell,' she answered, ripping open her blouse. 'Look what he did to my tits!'
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#6
08-17-2006, 06:59 PM
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Here's a horse and chicken joke from China.
If you think it's good, let me know. My guess is that there are differences. I vote it one of the worst I've ever found. Then again, China keeps buying teasury bonds to offset what we owe them for supplying Walmart...and that's not funny at all either. The Horse and the Chicken A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said. "Grab for my tail and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.
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#7
08-18-2006, 11:48 AM
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Ohhh... these are SOOOOOOO FUNNY... GREAT JOB..everyone....and keep up the GOOD WORK !!!
__________________
Ole' Timer says to another leaving Keystone Race Track (Philly ) ...""Its a good thing I broke even today, I really needed the money """!!!! Gotta Love Horse Racing !!
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#8
08-26-2006, 07:06 PM
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Quote:
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#9
08-26-2006, 08:01 PM
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a southern belle gets on a plane to fly overseas...a well to do woman sits next to her.
'so where are y'all from' the southern belle asks? snottily, the other replies 'from a place where we don't misplace our modifiers!' a minute later, the belle turns to her again and smiles sweetly. 'so where are y'all from, bitch?'
__________________
Books serve to show a man that those original thoughts of his aren't very new at all. Abraham Lincoln
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#10
08-27-2006, 09:18 PM
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Smart elephant
An Irishman went to London for a visit to the zoo. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at person and tell that person's age. The Irishman was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms. The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. "Is that right?" he asked the boy. "Oh yes." the boy said. The Irishman was very loud, in his not believing that this was true. The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct. The Irishman got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Irishman that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Irishman took him up on the wager. The elephant looked real close at the Irishman, turned around, raised his tail and cut wind like you wouldn't believe, turned back around and stomped his foot twice. Whereupon the Irishman stumbled back and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, "BeGabbers, he's right! Farty-two!"
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#11
09-24-2006, 08:48 PM
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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her husband and asked for 20 dollars after their first lovemaking encounter. The husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time after they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way to pay for her clothes and incidentals. Arriving home one day at noon, she was shocked to find her husband in a drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his company was downsizing and that he'd been let go. He was fearful that he was financially ruined. Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed steady deposits, with interest and certificates of deposit it totalled close to 3 million dollars. She explained that for 3 decades she "charged" him for sex, and wisely invested it. Finally, the husband blurted out "If I'd had any idea you were doing this, I'd have given you all my business" THAT'S WHEN SHE SHOT HIM
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