here it goes...

jcs11204 · #1 06-08-2008, 08:26 PM

i am 23 years old.... i have 2 sons, 4 1/2 and 10 months old, there names are dominick and christian.... 1/12/04 and 8/13/07 are the bdays....
me and my x fiance had been together since 12 grade year of high school, she got pregnent right after and we stayed together and tryed making it work. no reasson to lie, we were not that close and if she did not get pregnent we would have more then likely never stayed together. on 1/12/08, my oldest sons birthday, she decided to end things, after 5 1/2 years. we agreed that i would stay living there to help with the kids, but i knew that was a impossible idea, and less then a month later i was gone. so now it has been almost 6 months, and it really hurts and sucks, i never thought i could care about anyone as much as i do her, and at this point i have no clue whats going to happen with us. one day she hates me, the next she is willing to work on things, i call her way to much... she says i push her away, then i stop and she gets mad that i dont call... i went from seeing my sons, everyday to now, maybe 2-3 times a week if i am lucky... that hurts bad. she says some mean things to me, things i could never imagine her saying, and she sometimes seems like shes totally done with me... she has changed so much in 6 months, she went from only wanting a family and only caring about me and the boys to what she is now.... she leaves are sons at home with her mom 2-3 times a week and goes out, shes drinking a little, and just making some bad decisions, including listening to hardcore rap music. its like the girl i loved for 5 years just hates me and has totally changed and i am having a real hard time dealing with it, honestly the only time i dont think about her is when i am at otb, even if im losing it just seems to relax me. still to this day i dont know the really reasson why we broke up, she is not the type to mess around, i know thats not it....she tells me it is lots of different reassons, and i just cant figure out how i should play it, i dont know if i should just back off, i am affraid if i do back off, that i will lose her forever... i dont know what to do

hockey2315 · #2 06-08-2008, 08:30 PM

I'd recommend backing off - it's not like you'll really lose her forever if she's the mother of your kids. Let her realize what she's missing out on. . .

3kings · #3 06-08-2008, 08:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by hockey2315

I'd recommend backing off - it's not like you'll really lose her forever if she's the mother of your kids. Let her realize what she's missing out on. . .

Have her give you the kids instead of her mother, at least you will get to spend more time with your boys. When she gets home you can not be judgemental about where she was or who she was with. This will not be easy, but it is the correct thing to do. If she sees the love you have for your children, she will keep you in her life for their benefit.

jcs11204 · #4 06-08-2008, 08:36 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3kings

Have her give you the kids instead of her mother, at least you will get to spend more time with your boys. When she gets home you can not be judgemental about where she was or who she was with. This will not be easy, but it is the correct thing to do. If she sees the love you have for your children, she will keep you in her life for their benefit.

i wont lie, i am very judgemental, but she does the same thing to me, questions me about what im doing, and then says i dont care anyway. it is almost impossible not to ask her where she is, or to not call. i dont want to call her a lot and when im doing it i know its pushing her away and i still cant stop

GBBob · #5 06-08-2008, 08:40 PM

Don't take this the wrong way, but you should share this with a professional therapist. There's nothing wrong with going in for a mental "check up" once in a while and you have some legit issues that friends, OTB or DT aren't going to fix. If money is tight, there should be therapists available through your insurance or even county, local hospitals, etc. All that should truly matter to you are your children and that should be the starting point for whatever decisions you make with their Mom.

You should also make sure your rights as a Dad are protected as she can't dictate when you see the kids like she is. And if that other stuff is is true, you have tough decisions to make about stepping in and protecting your children even if it risks alientating her. You don't have to be together to do what's best for the kids.

Rileyoriley · #6 06-08-2008, 08:43 PM

You were both very young when you had the kids. Sounds like she's looking for what she thinks she missed out on (going out with friends, partying, etc.).Would she consider counseling with you? If not, please remember it's your kids that are missing out on both of you right now. They need you.

horseofcourse · #7 06-08-2008, 08:45 PM

I would simply spend as much time with your sons as you possibly can. Offer to babysit whenever possible when you aren't working and she takes off for the night. I don't know what your situation is personally or financially, but GBBob is right this sounds like a situation that may be beyond this board. I just think you should see your sons as often as you possibly can which you may already be doing. And if she is keeping you from doing that, then you have other issues that go into the legal and therapist realm.

geeker2 · #8 06-08-2008, 08:46 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GBBob

Don't take this the wrong way, but you should share this with a professional therapist. There's nothing wrong with going in for a mental "check up" once in a while and you have some legit issues that friends, OTB or DT aren't going to fix. If money is tight, there should be therapists available through your insurance or even county, local hospitals, etc. All that should truly matter to you are your children and that should be the starting point for whatever decisions you make with their Mom.

You should also make sure your rights as a Dad are protected as she can't dictate when you see the kids like she is. And if that other stuff is is true, you have tough decisions to make about stepping in and protecting your children even if it risks alientating her. You don't have to be together to do what's best for the kids.

GBBob has it right...find a good therapist...no shame in getting help and you will not believe how it can change your life for the good.

jcs11204 · #9 06-08-2008, 08:50 PM

i cant go that route, thats not me going and talking and opening up... i have been thinking about just venting on here, and that took 6 months....i care about my sons more then her, but i cant help that i love her.... i cant control my feelings, what will a theripist do? he cant make me not love her, so i dont know, its just a bad situation

GBBob · #10 06-08-2008, 08:52 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jcs11204

i am 23 years old.... i have 2 sons, 4 1/2 and 10 months old, there names are dominick and christian.... 1/12/04 and 8/13/07 are the bdays....
me and my x fiance had been together since 12 grade year of high school, she got pregnent right after and we stayed together and tryed making it work. no reasson to lie, we were not that close and if she did not get pregnent we would have more then likely never stayed together. on 1/12/08, my oldest sons birthday, she decided to end things, after 5 1/2 years. we agreed that i would stay living there to help with the kids, but i knew that was a impossible idea, and less then a month later i was gone. so now it has been almost 6 months, and it really hurts and sucks, i never thought i could care about anyone as much as i do her, and at this point i have no clue whats going to happen with us. one day she hates me, the next she is willing to work on things, i call her way to much... she says i push her away, then i stop and she gets mad that i dont call... i went from seeing my sons, everyday to now, maybe 2-3 times a week if i am lucky... that hurts bad. she says some mean things to me, things i could never imagine her saying, and she sometimes seems like shes totally done with me... she has changed so much in 6 months, she went from only wanting a family and only caring about me and the boys to what she is now.... she leaves are sons at home with her mom 2-3 times a week and goes out, shes drinking a little, and just making some bad decisions, including listening to hardcore rap music. its like the girl i loved for 5 years just hates me and has totally changed and i am having a real hard time dealing with it, honestly the only time i dont think about her is when i am at otb, even if im losing it just seems to relax me. still to this day i dont know the really reasson why we broke up, she is not the type to mess around, i know thats not it....she tells me it is lots of different reassons, and i just cant figure out how i should play it, i dont know if i should just back off, i am affraid if i do back off, that i will lose her forever... i dont know what to do

and dude...I know I sound like the old man that I have become, but please becareful with that OTB stuff...their Mom is out drinking, you're at an OTB...that's not good

jcs11204 · #11 06-08-2008, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by GBBob

and dude...I know I sound like the old man that I have become, but please becareful with that OTB stuff...their Mom is out drinking, you're at an OTB...that's not good

i dont want to sit here and make her look bad in any way, she works, 8-5 everyday, drinks maybe a few times a week, as for the otb, latley its the only time i dont think about her, and i dont feel bad for not seeing my kids.

GBBob · #12 06-08-2008, 08:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jcs11204

i cant go that route, thats not me going and talking and opening up... i have been thinking about just venting on here, and that took 6 months....i care about my sons more then her, but i cant help that i love her.... i cant control my feelings, what will a theripist do? he cant make me not love her, so i dont know, its just a bad situation

you are just being selfish then if you won't try. There are no easy answers to your problem, but I can promise you that talking to a therapist would help you.

good luck

3kings · #13 06-08-2008, 08:58 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by jcs11204

i dont want to sit here and make her look bad in any way, she works, 8-5 everyday, drinks maybe a few times a week, as for the otb, latley its the only time i dont think about her, and i dont feel bad for not seeing my kids.

Ask her to see the kids more.........I don't want to sound as old as GBBob

but gambling or drinking to compensate, for things not going well in life, is a very slippery slope

jcs11204 · #14 06-08-2008, 09:00 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by 3kings

Ask her to see the kids more.........I don't want to sound as old as GBBob

but gambling or drinking to compensate, for things not going well in life, is a very slippery slope

not to make excuses but i have always gambled... and i am not gambling more now, i just dont think about her when i do, like a outlet or something

geeker2 · #15 06-08-2008, 09:02 PM

tell me you had a normal childhood....Dad and or Mom drink? divorced? any childhood trama? soemone die when you were young? Mom or Dad left you?
Molested?

see a therapist...and good luck..

jcs11204 · #16 06-08-2008, 09:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by geeker2

tell me you had a normal childhood....Dad and or Mom drink? divorced? any childhood trama? soemone die when you were young? Mom or Dad left you?
Molested?

see a therapist...and good luck..

normal... mom and dad are together, no one drunks, lol..... no childhood trama, no one died.... not molested, were you serious with that ?

justindew · #17 06-08-2008, 09:08 PM

1) Forget the gambling aspect of this. Just be responsible. As long as you are responsible, there is no need to complicate this by bringing gambling into it.

2) You can't do anything to make her want to come back. So don't try. The only thing you can do is push her away, which as sure as ****, you will do if you keep calling her. And NEVER question her actions, UNLESS it directly pertains to the kids. For instance, don't bring up the rap music thing.

3) Assume the relationship with her is over. In all likelihood, as soon as you move on, she will come back. But by then you won't care.

4) Dude, be prepared. It will likely get worse before it gets better. BUT IT WILL GET BETTER.

jcs11204 · #18 06-08-2008, 09:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by DaHoss9698

Attachment 798

yo for real your ****ed up... because when you pm'd me a while back i told you i was having problems with my fiance and thats why i did not post for about a month. so dont come on here and question me, when really you were the first one to know any of this, by about 6-8 weeks, i did not get into it with you , but i said im having big problems with my fiance.

SentToStud · #19 06-08-2008, 09:12 PM

Well, if you choose not to go the conventional route of seeking and heeding advice from a professional, a clergyman or various esteemed Derby Trail posters, you might want to read my latest book, Broads and Betting: When Babies and Booze Interfere.

You will find valuable insight which will probably lead to you learning:

1. You are probably happy with the situation or else you would be willing to try to change it. So, that's a plus.
2. It might help to take the kids to the track or OTB. I know it helped me.
3. It might be a good idea to stop making babies at this point. At least 'til you can determine, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the two you have can behave properly at the OTB.

ArlJim78 · #20 06-08-2008, 09:14 PM

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