some jokes to start your day

[Mortimer]

Well I didn't get Dannie's either.





So I guess we're square.

[AeWingnut]

so these two blondes are walking down the street and they see a sign

Hot dog
fries and a coke

$2

so they decide to go inside and order lunch
KYRIM unwraps the foil from her hot dog
and then turns to the other blonde and says
"what part of the dog did you get?"

[Mortimer]

Originally Posted by DaHoss9698

[Mortimer]

...^^^Hates Vivaldis 4 Seasons...especially Winter.






nyuk-nyuk-nyuk

[Mortimer]

[Danzig]

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the
25th floor. On the 23rd floor a very handsome man with great hair, but
obvious dandruff, gets into the elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man
is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.The women watch him
exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'God,
was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head &
Shoulders.

'To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'

[Danzig]

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on
the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made
for the ice.
After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a
circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a
thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the
heavens the voice bellowed,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite
end of ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole.
The voice came once more,
"THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE."
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
The voice replied,

"NO, THIS IS THE MANAGER OF THE HOCKEY RINK."

[hi_im_god]

there are funny people.

and then there are people that tell jokes.

but if anyone carries a prop on stage, run for cover.

[2 Dollar Bill]

What do you call Two Mexicans playing Basketball ?






















... Juan on Juan

[herkhorse]

An old man walks into a drug store and asks for some Viagra pills. He says to the chemist, "and could you break them in quarters for me please"

The chemist replies, " A quarter of a Viagra pill won't be enough to sustain an erection"

The old man says, "I'm 93 years old and I have no use for a sustained erection, I just want it to stick out far enough so I don't piss on my slippers"

[Mortimer]

Originally Posted by Danzig

A blonde and a brunette were taking the elevator to the lobby from the
25th floor. On the 23rd floor a very handsome man with great hair, but
obvious dandruff, gets into the elevator.

The women exchange a look acknowledging just how good looking this man
is. The man gets off the elevator on the 12th floor.The women watch him
exit the elevator. Then the brunette turns to the blonde and says, 'God,
was he good looking, but someone ought to give him some Head &
Shoulders.

'To which the blonde replies, 'How do you give Shoulders?'

Well...tell us ,Dannie.

[herkhorse]

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director, "How do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized."

"Well," said the Director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No." said the Director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"