Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[dellinger63]

A homeless couple was making out under a bridge when a car rolls by and the driver yells out, 'hey get a box'.



While I was pumping gas a limo pulled up and the rear window opened revealing Oprah Winfrey, apparently lost.

She asked "how do I get to 294?"

I said, "lose about 30lbs"

[bigrun]

British humor at it's best...


Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call - Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbdoO...ature=youtu.be

[bigrun]

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court Monday."

On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, "How did you do over the weekend?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."
"Seventeen people? That's wonderful. How did you do it? "

"I used a diagram, your honor. I drew two circles like this: O o. Then I told them that the big circle is your brain before drugs and the small circle is your brain after drugs."

"That's admirable," says the judge. Then he turns to the second guy. "And how did you do?"

"Well, your honor, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."

"Wow!" says the judge. "156 people! How did you manage to do that?"

"Well, I used a similar diagram," the guy says. "I drew two circles like this: o O. Then I pointed to the little circle and said, 'This is your Butthole before prison................

[bigrun]

A Little Christmas Story (Or how traditions are born!)

When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor.He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

[bigrun]

THE GOLF BALL AND THE SAND WEDGE
>
> A woman takes a lover home during the day while her
> husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home
> unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet.
> Then the woman's husband also comes home.
> She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the
> little boy is in there already.
>
>
> The little boy says, 'Dark in here.'
>
>
> The man says, 'Yes, it is.'
>
>
> Boy - 'I have a golf ball.'
>
>
> Man - 'That's nice.'
>
>
> Boy - 'Want to buy it?'
>
>
> Man - 'No, thanks.'
>
>
> Boy - 'My dad's outside.'
>
>
> Man - 'OK, how much?'
>
>
> Boy - '$250'
>
> A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy
> and the lover are in the closet together.
>
>
> Boy - 'Dark in here.'
>
>
> Man - 'Yes, it is.'
>
>
> Boy - 'I have sand wedge.'
>
>
> The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?'
>
> Boy - '$750'
>
> Man - 'Sold..'



> A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy,
> 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside
> and have some short game practice. The boy says,
> 'I can't, I sold my ball and sand wedge dad.'
>
>
> The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?'
>
>
> Boy - '$1,000.'
>
> The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends
> like that. That is far more than those two things cost.
> I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.'
>
>
> They go to the church and the father makes the little
> boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
>
>
> The boy says, 'Dark in here.'
> The priest says, 'Don't start that **** with me again.
> You're in my closet now!'

[TheSpyder]

Originally Posted by bigrun

British humor at it's best...


Mrs Brown's Mischievous Call - Mrs Brown's Boys Christmas


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MbdoO...ature=youtu.be

[bigrun]

A testimony to true manship is..

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.
His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.
"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pajamas and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"
"Because he's thinking of getting married."

[my miss storm cat]

Geeker?

I'm afraid.

[geeker2]

Originally Posted by my miss storm cat

Geeker?

I'm afraid.

Ror! As Herk once said....



heard any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

HOLIDAYS APPROACHING..Be careful out there..



With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with my family and friends about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends.

Well, three days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails, followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I was probably over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before ... I took a cab home!

Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block, but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.

(This was a real relief and surprise because I had never driven a cab before. I don't even know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage, I don't know what to do with it!!!)