Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

SCUBA Diving Wife


When Mr.. Wilkins answered the door late in the evening one day after he'd lost his wife scuba diving, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen. "We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife."
"Well...tell me!" he demanded.
The policeman said, "We have some bad news, some pretty good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worse, Mr. Wilkins said, "Give me the bad news first."
So the policeman said, "I'm sorry to tell you sir, but we found your wife's body this morning in San Francisco Bay."
"OH MY GOD!," said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"
"Well," said the policeman, "When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her."
"Huh?" he said, not understanding. "So, what's the great news?"
The policeman smiled, licked his chops, and said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning."

[Downthestretch55]

Soup

I went to a restaurant last night. I ordered the soup of the day (da jour).
Seems that it's never the same da jour two days in a row...
Anyway, the waitress delivers it to the table, and then I got the urge to use the bathroom.
So I took a napkin and wrote on it "Don't touch this soup, I spit in it."
I put it over the soup, hoping no one would touch it.
When I came back, some one had written "So did I".

[Downthestretch55]

Good News, Bad News, Worse News

My friend, Lenny got a call from his daughter today. She has been looking for a job, so when the phone rang, Lenny was excited to hear from her.

Lenny: Hello?
Daughter: Hi Dad, I have some good news! I got a job!
Lenny: That's good news!
Daughter: The bad news, I'm a hooker.
Lenny: Oh! That's bad news. Anything else?
Daughter: I think so...I'm making triple your salary.

If you see Lenny, buy him a cold one, and wish him a return from his binge before July.

[Downthestretch55]

Constipated Horse
A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."

[Downthestretch55]

A Conversation With Room Service In An Asian Hotel

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

Guest: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

Guest: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tos sy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome"

[Downthestretch55]

Questions People Asked To Park Rangers


These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around
the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths
of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)

Grand Canyon National Park :

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

Is the mule train air conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park :

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska):

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas-- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this-- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:

Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite
Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park:

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[Downthestretch55]

How To Cook A Turkey

How To Took A Turkey... huh?

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out