Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

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A 65 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital.

While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?"

God said, "No, you have another 33 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a
face-lift, eye-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck.

She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth! Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had
another 33 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
ambulance?"



Scroll down....









God replied: I didn't recognize you."

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A very successful attorney parked his brand new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and pulled up behind the Bentley with his ...lights flashing.

Before the cop had a chance to ask any questions, the attorney started screaming hysterically about how his Bentley, which he had just purchased the day before, was completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter how any car body shop tried to make it new again.

After the lawyer finally wound down from his rant, the cop shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you neglect the most important things in life."

"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer
The cop replied, "Don't you even realize that your left arm is missing? It was severed when the truck hit you!"

"OH, MY GOD!!!" screamed
the lawyer.



"My Rolex!"

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funny bit..


http://social.entertainment.msn.com/...f-jimmy-kimmel

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An 86-year-old man went to his doctor
for his quarterly check-up...

man and doc.jpg

The doctor asked him how he was feeling,
and the 86-year-old said, "Things are great
and I've never felt better.
I now have a 20 year-old bride
who is pregnant with my child.
So what do you think about that, Doc ?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute
and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry , he accidentally picked up his
walking cane instead of his gun.

As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge..


He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't shoot the magnificent creature.

Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

Miraculously , two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.

Now, what do you think of that ?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly."

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You don't have to understand Italian to follow the auctioneer:

A Chinese Ming Vase is up for auction. The bidding opens at a half-million Euros. Bidding is brisk and each bidder is clearly identified as each raises the bid by 100,000 Euros. (The exchange rate at auction time was 1 Euro = $1.43.) Within seconds, the bid stalls at one million Euros, and the gasp from the crowd identifies the excitement that prevails in the room. The successful bidder is the last one who bid one million , and the auctioneer counts down the bid, "Going once, going twice, and sold to the gentleman sitting in front of me for one million Euros."

Now, you are going to have to see the video for yourself. The auctioneer is exuberant. The pace is fast. This is how an auction should be run. Please note the excitement on the auctioneer's face after the final bid.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3e0yZCLjwfU

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A Woman's Poem.


Unknown

He didn't like the casserole
And he didn't like my cake,
He said my biscuits were too hard
Not like his mother used to make.
I didn't perk the coffee right
He didn't like the stew,
I didn't mend his socks
The way his mother used to do..
I pondered for an answer
I was looking for a clue.
Then I turned around and
smacked the shiit out of him...

Like his mother used to do.

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My nephew pulled some stuff from three old hard drives of mine onto a cd.
Going thru i found this old SNL skit by De Nero and several other funny bits....easily found on YouTube...Hiliarious..



http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=...=0&FORM=NVPFVR