Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[MaTH716]

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the tellers to load a sack full of cash.

On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robbers face. The robber shot the customer without a moment’s hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the tellers looking straight at him. The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, " Well, did anyone else see my face?"

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak

Then, one old farmer named Bill tentatively raised his hand and said,

"I think my wife got a pretty good look at you..."

[bigrun]

Maybe this has been posted before but check it out...first heard this years ago on audio tape and recently found it on youtube...the announcer is hilarious in his description of the 'contest'...


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2FyD95Hv7CU

[bigrun]

[rpncaine]

SALESMANSHIP


The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.



Little Sally led off: "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30" she said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."

"Very good" said the teacher.


Little Jenny was next: "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events."

"Very good, Jenny" said the teacher..



Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath ......


Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467" he said.


"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"

Toothbrushes" said Little Johnny.


"Toothbrushes" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?"


"I found the busiest corner in town" said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip &Chip stand, I gave everybody who walked by a free sample." They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like dog crap!"


Then I would say, "It is dog crap. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you something shitty, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it's free, and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth."


Little Johnny got five stars for his efforts, bless his heart...

[bigrun]

Men do remember...

A woman awakes during the night to find that her
husband is not in bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look
for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a
hot cup of coffee in front of him.

He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at
the wall.

She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and
takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter, dear?' she whispers as she
steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this
time of night?

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'It's the 20th
Anniversary of the day we met'.

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to
tear up.

The husband continues, 'Do you remember 20 years ago
when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only
16,' he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the
back seat of my car?'

'Yes, I remember' said the wife, lowering herself
into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. 'Do you remember when he
shoved the shotgun in my face and said, "Either you
marry my daughter or I will send you to
prison for 20 years?'

'I remember that, too' she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said

'I would have gotten out today.

[3kings]

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*

[OldDog]

Originally Posted by 3kings

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*

[Rileyoriley]

Originally Posted by 3kings

President Obama walks into the Bank of America and says to a cashier, "Good morning Ma'am, could you please cash this check for me"?Cashier:"It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID"?Obama:"Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am President Barrack Obama, the President of the United States."Cashier:"Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the Government regulations, monitoring of the banks because of imposters and forgers, etc., I must insist on seeing ID."Obama:"Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am."Cashier:"I am sorry, but these are government and bank rules and I must follow them."Obama:"I am urging you please to cash this check."Cashier:"Look, this is what we can do: One day Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putting iron and made a beautiful shot across the bank lobby into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and we cashed his check.""Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and served an ace shot directly into the center of our bank logo 90 feet away. With that spectacular shot we cashed his check. So, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?"Obama stood there thinking, and thinking and finally says:"Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I can't think of a single thing I can do."Cashier:"Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?"

*