Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

An old Indian Chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US Government officials sent to interview him.

"Chief Two Eagles", asked one official, "You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his material wealth. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?"

The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied,

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
1. No taxes
2. No debt
3. Plenty buffalo
4. Plenty beaver
5. Women did all the work
6. Medicine man free
7. Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, "Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that."

[Downthestretch55]

Uncle Dave baby sits his 6 year old neice, Amy for an afternoon to give mom and dad a break.
So, Uncle Dave takes her to the local park and they play on the swings and slide. Then Amy said she was tired and needed to eat something.
Uncle Dave takes Amy to the convenience store and asks what she wants.
She says she'd like a twinkie, so Uncle Dave buys her one.
Walking back across the parking lot, Uncle Dave notices a barber shop nearby.
So he tells Amy that it will only take a few minutes for him to get the haircut.
Amy agrees.
Uncle Dave sits in the barber chair and everything is going ok until little Amy says, "Uncle Dave, I'm getting tired. Can I sit on your lap?"
Uncle Dave says, "Amy, you know that you'll get hair on your twinkie."
Amy says, "Of course I know that, Uncle Dave, and I'm going to get boobies too!"

[Downthestretch55]

Here's one for Timm, since we talked about "Chicken Little" on another thread.

"Chicken Little"

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of "Chicken Little" to her class.
She came to the part where chicken Little warns the farmer. She read..." and Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "THE SKYIS FALLING!!"
The teacher then asked her class, "And what do you think the farmer said?"
A little girl raised her hand and the teacher called on her.
"The farmer said, "HOLY SH-T!!!!! A talking chicken!!!"

The teacher couldn't teach for the next twenty minutes.

[Downthestretch55]

This is for the lovely ladies that post on this board...just so ya know a little more about males...as if ya didn't already.

Mens Rules List:

We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Blah, blah, blah....

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Listen up!

Please note... these are all numbered "1" ON PURPOSE!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.

1. Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know men really don't mind that, it's like camping.

ps....I love you.

[Downthestretch55]

Easy Money



I decided to stop worrying about my teen aged daughter's driving and take advantage of it.
I got one of those bumper stickers that say, "How's my driving?" and put a 900 number on it.
At 50 cents a call, I've been making $38 a week.

[skippy3481]

Haha dts last two have made me laugh keep them coming. Thanx for posting them

[Downthestretch55]

This one is for anyone that thinks they're having a "bad day". From what I can find...this one is true.

Bad Day

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
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Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...