Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[AeWingnut]

An Iowa senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing...," he thought as he flew down I-35, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw an Iowa State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I ' m too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, and then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding -- a reason I've never before heard -- I'll
let you go."
The old gentleman paused, and then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with an Iowa State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

[Princess Doreen]

HOSPITAL CHART BLOOPERS

Actual writings from hospital charts:

1. The patient refused autopsy.

2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

4. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

5. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

6. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

7. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

8. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

9. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

10. Healthy appearing decrepit 69-year old male, mentally alert but forgetful

11. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

12. She is numb from her toes down.

13. While in ER , she was examined, x-rated and sent home.

14. The skin was moist and dry.

15. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.

16. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

17. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

18. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

19. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

20. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

21. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

22. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

23. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

24. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

25. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

[MaTH716]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at Park Lane pharmacy.

There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure.

I apparently still looked confused. So, she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it..

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.

'Do these excite you?' She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head.

She then said it was time to slip the condom on. As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. 'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time..'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few moments.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She then beat the s.hit out of me.......

[MISTERGEE]

an elderly gentleman was led into his doctors office by a beautiful and sexy nurse. he sat down with the dr. who told him he had good news and bad news. the old gentleman said ok give me the bad news first. the dr. said I am sorry to tell you that you only have 6 months to live. the old man said oh my, what could possibly be the good news? The dr. replied, did you see that sexy nurse that walked you in today? I fu--ed her last night!

[MISTERGEE]

every time little Timmy was given a letter to start a word with in kindergarten he would always unfortunatley give a curse word, if he was given "a" he would say,ass, if he was given B, he would say bitch, given c he would say crap. The teacher then figured she would time little Timmys turn to give a word with a letter that could not possibly start a bad word. so the next day she decided to give Timmy the letter R, no bad word she could think of started with that. she got to timmys turn and gave him the letter R, and Timmy replied after a moment of pondering, Rat---A Big Fu--ing Rat

[AeWingnut]

a dyslexic guy walks into a bra

[mclem0822]

Cletus is passing by Billy Bob's hay barn one day when, through
a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual
striptease in front of an old green John Deere.

Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left. He then
hunched his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move,
lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed
plaid shirt. Then grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart
to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he
tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a
pile of hay.

Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, "What the heck're
ya doin’ Billy Bob?"

"Good Lord, Cletus, ya scared the bejeezers out of me," says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.

"But me 'n the Ol' Lady been havin trouble lately in the bedroom dee-partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor."