Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[hi_im_god]

Originally Posted by geeker2

Those of us who fall into the world of hi-tech should
take note of the importance of correct grammar.

I have noticed that many who text messages & emails have
forgotten the "art" of capitalization.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your
Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a
horse.

i'd have a very hard time telling this joke here.

[magic_idol]

Man naked, looks in the mirror and says to his wife "why do I always get a hard on when I look at myself?"
Wife says "Coz your cock thinks you’re a C**T too"


Why is there only one pall bearer at an aboriginal funeral?
Because there’s only one handle on a wheelie bin!


Talk about F***ing Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. I recently came back from a tour of duty in Afghanistan .
Having not seen my wife for months I was looking forward to a night of hot passionate sex.
Unfortunately she came out of the shower with a towel around her head so I shot her!


Two blokes talking. Do you look at your wife's face when you make love?
I did once and saw the anger in her face.
Why anger?
Because she was watching from the F***ing window.


Scientists found that many women develop " Hoover 's Disease" after a year of marriage.
They make a continuous F***ing whining noise and don't suck anymore.


Just watched "antiques road show".
This old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said "There you go you clever C**T, tell me what period that’s from"


Two Abos are in a bar talking. One says to the other "you ever notice after having sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose runs and you get teary-eyed"?
The other Abos answered "yeah all the time"
The 1st Abos asks "why's that?"
The other replies "I reckon it's the capsicum spray"

[satan's twin]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment.............I hear someone coming."

He followed her into her apartment. She closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred to him, "What would you say is my best feature?"

Flustered and embarassed, he finally sweaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded and a little hurt she asked, "MY ears? Look at these breasts. They are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin-no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered..............."Outside, when you said you heard someone coming..........that was me."

[AeWingnut]

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's rich and self-employed,
And when I spend, won't be annoyed.
Pull out my chair and hold my hand.
Massage my feet and help me stand.
Oh send a king to make me queen
A man who loves to cook and clean.
I pray this man will love no other.
And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a ****.

[AeWingnut]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O703DB2FewM

[Princess Doreen]

Two men walk into their local unemployment office after both being laid-off. The first man approaches the counter and is greeted by a friendly staff member.

"I'd like to collect unemployment payments please" he says."Not a problem sir," the teller asks "What was your last profession?""I made panty hose" he responds."Ok, the staffer says, "your check will be $300. Next!"The first man steps away from the counter eyeing his check. His friend steps up, "I'd like to collect unemployment payments please""Alright sir," the teller asks " and what was your last profession?""Diesel Fitter" he remarks."Right, that's a specialty occupation, your check will be $800"The first man overhears this and jumps in, "Hey! How come I get 300 stinkin' bucks and he gets 800"The teller say professionally "Sir, this man had a special skill""Special Skill my ass! I sew the two halves of the panty hose together and give them to him."The staffer looks betrayed and asks the second man, "Sir you said you were a Diesel Fitter.""I am!" he says, "He gives me the panty hose, I put em on me head and say "Deez'll Fit 'er!"

[MaTH716]

A man walking down the street saw a strange funeral procession.
it was 2 hearses (one behind the other) driving very slowly.

Behind the hearse a man dressed in black was walking a large dog at the head of a very large procession(all men) in a single line following the man with the dog.
The man walking by asked the man with the dog "who died ?" Man with dog said "my wife...she was yelling at me and the dog thought she was attacking me...and well...a terrible tragedy."

Meanwhile...all the men in the single file procession are silent and respectful.

Man on street says "who is in the second hearse?"

Man with dog says " another terrible tragedy. My mother in law saw the whole episode and began screaming at me. The dog thought the old hag was attacking me... and well...she's in the second hearse."

LONG PAUSE AS THE HEARSE STARTS TO MOVE SLOWLY AGAIN.

Man in the street says "You have my condolences....Ah..Can I borrow that Dog ? Man with the dog points over his shoulder at the procession and says ...." Back of the line !"

[AeWingnut]

Originally Posted by MaTH716

A man walking down the street saw a strange funeral procession.
it was 2 hearses (one behind the other) driving very slowly.

Behind the hearse a man dressed in black was walking a large dog at the head of a very large procession(all men) in a single line following the man with the dog.
The man walking by asked the man with the dog "who died ?" Man with dog said "my wife...she was yelling at me and the dog thought she was attacking me...and well...a terrible tragedy."

Meanwhile...all the men in the single file procession are silent and respectful.

Man on street says "who is in the second hearse?"

Man with dog says " another terrible tragedy. My mother in law saw the whole episode and began screaming at me. The dog thought the old hag was attacking me... and well...she's in the second hearse."

LONG PAUSE AS THE HEARSE STARTS TO MOVE SLOWLY AGAIN.

Man in the street says "You have my condolences....Ah..Can I borrow that Dog ? Man with the dog points over his shoulder at the procession and says ...." Back of the line !"

I'm sharing this one