Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[rpncaine]

[MaTH716]

The Black Bra (as told by a woman)

I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends.
One is engaged, one is a mistress, and I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by greeting them at the door
Wearing a black bra, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to
exchange notes..

Here's how it all went.

My engaged friend:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos
and a mask.
He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams.
I love you.' Then we made passionate love all nightlong.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing a raincoat, under it only
the black bra, heels and
Mask over my eyes. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but he started to tremble and
we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:
When my husband came home I was wearing the black bra,
Black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
When he came in the door and saw me he said,


"What's for dinner, Zorro?"

[rpncaine]

I was so depressed last night thinking about Health Care Plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc... I called Lifeline, the suicide help line.
Got a freakin' call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal. They all got excited and asked if I could drive a truck...

[satan's twin]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology that was explaining the phenomenon of mixed emotions.
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of bullshit. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time."
She said, "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest penis."

[satan's twin]

Don Cherry, of 'Hockey Night in Canada',was asked on a local live radio talk show just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists. His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but a thunderous applause from the audience.

He said, "If hooking up one raghead terrorists testicles to a car battery gets the truth out and saves just one Canadian life, then I have only three things to say......Red is positive, black is negative and make sure his nuts are wet".

[satan's twin]

SENSITIVITY TEST FOR MEN

1. In the company of females, intercourse should be referred to as:

a. lovemaking
b. screwing
c. taking the pigskin bus to Tuna Town

2. You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you have both shared:

a. your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b. your blood test results
c. five tiquila slammers

3. You time your orgasm so that:

a. your partner climaxes first
b. you both climax simultaneously
c. you don't miss ESPN Sports Center

4. Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:

a. healthy, creative love-play
b. not the sort of thing your wife would agree to
c. not the sort of thing your wife needs to ever find out about

5. Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you have just had sex with is:

a. the best part of the experience
b. the second best part of the experience
c. $100 extra

6. Your wife/girlfriend says she's gained 5 pounds in the last month. You tell her that it is:

a. of no influence on your affectionate feelings for her
b. not a problem, she can join your gym
c. a conservative estimate

7. You think today's sensitive, caring man is:

a. a myth
b. an oxymoron
c. a complete moron

8. Foreplay is to sex as:

a. an appetizer is to an entree
b. primer is to paint
c. a long line is to an amusement park ride

9. Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying:

a. I hope we can still be friends
b. I'm not in right now. Please leave a message at the beep.
c. Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: YOU

10. A woman who is uncomfortable watching you masterbate:

a. Probably needs a little more time before she can cope with that sort of
intimacy
b. is uptight and a waste of time
c. shouldn't have sat next to you on the bus in the first place

EVALUATING RESULTS

1. If you answered A more than 7 times, check your pants to see if the meat whistle is still attached.

2. If you answered B more than 7 times, check into therapy. You're a little confused.

3. If you answered C more than 7 times, YOU DA MAN!!!

[satan's twin]

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts. He'd toss them in the air and then catch them in his mouth. In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell into his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but he only succeeded in pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital. As they were going out the door, their daughter came home with her date.

After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out. The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard. When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear. The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, "That's so wonderful. Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?"

The father replied, "From the smell of his fingers, I'd say our son-in-law."