Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

TO: GOD: FROM: THE DOG

Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one
another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still
the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the
mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a
dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We do love a nice ride!
Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the " Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him,
is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals,
whistles, horns, clickers, beepers , scen t ID's, electromagnetic energy
fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs, less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to
apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember
to be a good dog.

1 . I will not eat the cats' food before they eat it or after they throw it
up.

2. I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like
the way they smell.

3. The Litter Box is not a cookie jar.

4. The sofa is not a 'face towel'.

5. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

6. I will not play tug-of-war with Dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.

7. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is an unacceptable way of saying
"hello".
8. I don't need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm under the coffee
table.

9. I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house - not
after.

10. I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.

11. I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch.

12. The cat is not a 'squeaky toy' so when I play with him and he makes
that noise, it's usually not a good thing.

P.S. Dear God: When I get to Heaven may I have my testicles back?

[Downthestretch55]

An episode of "Cops" that I'd like to see.

Set the scene...hum along if ya don't know the words...
"Bad boys, bad boys, whachagonna do? Whacha gonna do when they come for you?"

A San Diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "What are you going to do with the money? "the officer asked.

"I guess i"ll go to driving school and get my license, " the man answered.

"Don't listen to him," said the woman in the passanger seat. "He's a smart alect when he is drunk."

This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "I knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."

Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in Spanish, "Are we over the border yet?"

[bogeydaman]

This is fitting considering the board we are on.

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to the local racetrack (Churchill Downs) to learn
about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the little boys up one by one holding onto their "wee wees"
to direct the flow. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in
the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am, " he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the
seventh."

[Downthestretch55]

uhhh...that "thingee thing"

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female...... Any part under a car's hood.
Male..... The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.... Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male.... Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.. The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male... Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the
boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.... A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...... Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female.... A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male...... Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.... An embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male..... A source of entertainment, self-_expression, male bonding.

7 MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female..... The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.. Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.... A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male... A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.

[Downthestretch55]

Layoffs are Tough
--------------------

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sits in his office and watches them work.

Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with.

Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache."

[timmgirvan]

Sarah was driving home from one of her business trips to Northern Arizona when she spotted an elderly Navajo women walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks , the old woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sarah tried in vain to make small talk with the woman. The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything in the car, studying every detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sarah. "What's in the bag" asked the old woman. Sarah looked down at the brown bag and said "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband" the Navajo woman was silent for another moment. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said "Good trade"

[timmgirvan]

A husband is sitting watching TV. His wife comes into the room and smack him in the head with a newspaper. He says "What did you do that for?" She says angrily "I found this slip of paper in your wallet with the name Jenny on it! What's that all about?" After a pause, he says sheepishly "If you must know, I went to the track and that's the name of the horse I bet on" She says "Oh honey, I'm sorry" A few days later, the husband is again watching TV, and his wife comes in and conks him on the head with a frying pan! He wakes up after falling on the floor and asks "what did you do that for?" She says angrily "Your horse just called"

[timmgirvan]

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman "I'd like to buy some pink curtains" The salesman assures her they have a large selection,but after looking at several patterns the blonde has troble choosing. Finally, she chooses a pink floral print. The salesman asks her what size curtains she needs and the blonde replies "Fifteen inches" The salesman asks "what room are they for?" The blonde says that they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies "But miss, computers don't need curtains" The blonde says "Helllooo, I've got Windows!!