Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[herkhorse]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.. The circus owner tells them, “I’m not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you’re history. Here’s your equipment — chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?” The girl says, “I’ll go first.” She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lio n’s cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner’s jaw is on the floor. He says, “I’ve never seen a display like that in my life.” He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, “Can you top that?” The tough old golfer replies,

“No problem, just get that lion out of there."

[NavalOrange]

HerkHorse, I heard that one already!!

[herkhorse]

As a young bagpiper,

I was asked by a funeral director

to play at a graveside service for a homeless man,

with no family or friends.

The funeral was to be held at a cemetery

way back in the country,

and this man

would be the first to be laid to rest there.

As I was not familiar with

the backwoods area,

I became lost

and being a typical man

did not stop for directions.

I finally arrived an hour late.

I saw the backhoe and the crew,

who were eating lunch,

but the hearse was nowhere in sight.

I apologized to the workers

for my tardiness,

and stepped to the side of

the open grave,

where I saw the vault lid already in place.

I assured the workers

I would not hold them up for long,

but this was the proper thing to do.

The workers gathered around,

still eating their lunch.

I played out my heart and soul.

As I played,

the workers began to weep.

I played, and I played, like I'd never played before.

From "My Home, My Home" and "The Lord Is My Shepherd"

to "The Flowers of the Forest " ....

I finally closed the lengthy session with

"Amazing Grace"

and then walked to my car.

I opened the door

and as I was taking off my coat,

I overheard one of the workers saying to another,

"Jeezuz, Mary' n Joseph,

I never heard nor seen nothin' like that before,

and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."