Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Having to wear headphones in your own house (THAT'S A FKN JOKE.)

[chucklestheclown]

Johnny comes downstairs crying.

Mom says, "What's wrong?"

Johnny sobs, "I was watching dad hanging a picture and he hit his thumb with the hammer."

In a soothing voice, Mom says, "Honey, that's not so bad; instead of crying you should have just laughed."

Johnny says, "I did."

[geeker2]

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."


Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."


He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."


The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"


He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

[dellinger63]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

[dellinger63]

Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own f'in' business.'

[Smooth Operator]

jeb will be ready in '12



Best one I've heard in a while.

[letswastemoney]

A hydrogen walks into a police station and says "Somebody stole my electron!, please help!"

The officer asks "are you sure it was stolen?"

The hydrogen says "I'm positive."