Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[3kings]

New Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th floors have never been visited.

[chucklestheclown]

A man comes home from work and plops in front of the TV and says to his wife "Get me a beer before it starts." She sighs and does it.
Fifteen minutes later he says "Get me another beer before it starts." She's pissed, but gets it and slams it down on the table. He drinks it quickly and says "OK, it's about to start...get me another one."
The wife is FURIOUS. She yells "Is that all you're going to do all night is sit in front of the GD TV and drink beer? You are a lazy, good for nothing POS and furthermore...".
He sighs and says..."It's started."

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Having to wear headphones in your own house (THAT'S A FKN JOKE.)

[chucklestheclown]

Johnny comes downstairs crying.

Mom says, "What's wrong?"

Johnny sobs, "I was watching dad hanging a picture and he hit his thumb with the hammer."

In a soothing voice, Mom says, "Honey, that's not so bad; instead of crying you should have just laughed."

Johnny says, "I did."

[geeker2]

A graduate student in speech therapy had two days to cure her
patients of their stutters. She came to a therapy session in a
revealing outfit and offered a blow job to anyone who could
pronounce the name of the city in which they were born without
stuttering. The first man stood up and said, "B-b-b-b-b-b-Boston."


Dejected, he shook his head and sat back down. The next guy stood
and said, "Ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-ca-Cleveland."


He slapped his thigh in frustration and sat back down. The third
guy stood and without hesitation said, "Miami."


The student fell to her knees and began performing oral sex on
the man. After finishing, she looked up and said, "What do you
have to say now?"


He replied, "B-b-b-b-b-Beach."

[dellinger63]

A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence, and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on little Kenny.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'

The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'

Then little Kenny says, 'I have a question for YOU Miss Rogers'.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the top and sucking on the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?'

The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'

To which Little Kenny replies, 'The correct answer is 'The one with the wedding-ring on, 'but I like your thinking.'

[dellinger63]

Little Kenny was sitting on a park bench, munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th bar, a man on the bench across from him said, 'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'

Little Kenny replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'

The man asked, 'Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time'?

Little Kenny answered, 'No, he just minded his own f'in' business.'

[dustmop]

Was just wondering here....anyone heard any good jokes lately?

[SCUDSBROTHER]

"CIRCO" ......Scuds('09)


Boat Don't Go No Where.......(No-No)

Ju'tgo In A Circo.....(Yea-Yea)

She Just Wear A Poncho.... (Ung-Kay)

Boat Just Go In Circo...(Uhn-Huh)

Head Up n' Down........(Hell-Yea)

She A Preacha Do A Miraco....(No-No)

I See She Do Fu-lay-sho........(Ung-Kay)

Sudan Good Fu-lay-sho.....(All-Right)

An Da Boat Just Go n' Circo.....(Uhn-Huh)

..... Circo

[mclem0822]

A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.

"Are you crazy?" yelled the customer, "with your hand on my steak?"

"What" answers the waiter, "You want it to fall on the floor again?"

[mclem0822]

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.
(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...
Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...
What time do you feed the bears?
Can you show me where the yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[Oaklawnfan]

World best story !!!

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!' So the guy rode motorcycles and went fishing and hunting and played
golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and smoked cigars and had tons of
money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and farted and scratched his
balls whenever he wanted. And he lived happily ever after

The end

[GPK]

This elderly couple in their 80's had both lost their previous spouses. In an effort to combat growing older alone, they decided to marry. After finally sorting out the normal new couple issues, such as money, whos house to live in, etc...the old man finally gathered the courage to ask his soon to be new bride about their love life.

"How often do you like sex?" He inquired.

"Infrenquently" she responsed

Thinking for a second, he asked "Is that one word or two?"

[The Indomitable DrugS]

Do you like fishsticks?

[Rudeboyelvis]

A guy is in the market for a motorcycle but he doesn't have a lot of cash to spend. He sees an ad in the paper for an older model that is in great shape and goes to investigate.

He shows up, and the thing looks like it had just come out of the showroom.
"How'd you keep it looking so good?", he asks.

"Well, the trick is - every time it looks like it is going to rain, I rub a little Vaseline on the chrome - keeps it tip top."

"I'll take it!" the guy expounds triumphantly. The seller takes the cash and gives him what is left of the tube and he's off.

He rides over to pick up his girlfriend on his new found dream machine.

She gets on the back and says, "Honey, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with my family this evening".

Never having met her parents before, he obliges.

"Well.... there is one thing you need to know about them - there is sort of a peculiar rule in our house. You mustn't say ANYTHING during the meal. If you do, you will have to do the dishes".

He finds this completely strange, but is so smitten with his gal he reassures her that it will be fine.

He shows up promptly and is cordiality invited in, only to find the foyer stacked floor to ceiling with dirty dishes; the same for the living room and the dining room....

They all sit down to their meal - no one saying a word.

At this point, he motions to his girlfriend and throws her up on the dining room table, giving it to her in front of both parents, in a way that would make Ron Jeremy proud.

No one says a word.

Well, Mom ain't looking too bad, what the hell? He throws her mother on the table and start slamming her like she hadn't had it in ages.

Quiet as a church pew.

He looks out the window and notices that it is beginning to rain.

He pulls out the tube of Vaseline and the father screams, "ALRIGHT!! I'LL DO THE FUCl<ING DISHES!!"

[herkhorse]

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2009/FiremanMouth.htm