Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[geeker2]

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing he realized
that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her in
the head, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne gets a call
from the coroner regarding the autopsy.

Coroner: Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is
that correct?

Verne: Yes, sir, that is correct.

Coroner: Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her a$$.

Verne: Was it a Titlist 3?

Coroner: Yes, it was.

Verne: That was my provisional.

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Q. What's a seals least favorite drink ?




A. Canadian Club on the rocks !

[satan's twin]

Two Mexicans are on bicycles about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. The trucker tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans convince the driver they can fit into the back with their bikes and ask him to take them into town. The Mexicans manage to squeeze themselves and their bikes into the back. The driver shuts the door and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so he puts the hammer down. Sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The blonde officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs." The blonde lady cop doesn't believe this so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on the radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The Dispatcher asks what's the emergency that requires so many officers. The blonde repied, "I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a couple bikes."

[SOREHOOF]

Jermaine Jackson was overheard at Michaels funeral saying he hadn't seen him so stiff since Macauley Culkin spent the night.

[herkhorse]

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having a great sex , she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bits, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

[witchdoctor]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

[herkhorse]

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year,

And every year Morris would say,

'Esther, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'

Esther always replied,

'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars,

And fifty dollars is fifty dollars'

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said,

'Esther, I'm 85 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'

To this, Esther replied,

'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,

But still not a word.

When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said,

'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't.

I'm impressed!'

Morris replied,

'Well, to tell you the truth,

I almost said something when Esther fell out,

But you know,

fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'