Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[satan's twin]

After 20 years of marriage, a guy and his wife went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they ever had in their 20 years they had been together. She went on and on; neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Allowing this to go on for a suffient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, tore open her blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped off her bra and starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts and then kissed them. The therapist gives a side glance at the husband before he puts his hand up the wife's skirt and rips her g-string off. The husband watches this with his eyebrows raised and his mouth wide open. The wife, flushed and in a total daze, tried to cover herself before she sat down quietly.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "Now do you understand? This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?"

The husband thought for a moment and said, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf."

[geeker2]

Verne was teeing off from the men's tee. On his downswing he realized
that his wife, Lucrecia, was teeing up on the woman's tee directly in
front of him. Unable to stop his swing, he nailed it, and hit her in
the head, killing her instantly. A few days later, Verne gets a call
from the coroner regarding the autopsy.

Coroner: Verne, your wife seemed to have died from blunt force trauma
to the head. You said you hit a golf ball and hit her in the head, is
that correct?

Verne: Yes, sir, that is correct.

Coroner: Well, inexplicably, I found a golf ball wedged up her a$$.

Verne: Was it a Titlist 3?

Coroner: Yes, it was.

Verne: That was my provisional.

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Q. What's a seals least favorite drink ?




A. Canadian Club on the rocks !

[satan's twin]

Two Mexicans are on bicycles about 15 miles outside of Lafayette, Louisiana. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. The trucker tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls.

The Mexicans convince the driver they can fit into the back with their bikes and ask him to take them into town. The Mexicans manage to squeeze themselves and their bikes into the back. The driver shuts the door and gets on his way. By this time he is really late and so he puts the hammer down. Sure enough, a blonde cop pulls him over for speeding.

The blonde officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which the driver jokingly replies, "Mexican eggs." The blonde lady cop doesn't believe this so she wants to take a look in the trailer. She opens the back door and quickly shuts it and locks it. She gets on the radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officers as possible plus the Swat Team.

The Dispatcher asks what's the emergency that requires so many officers. The blonde repied, "I've got a tractor-trailer stopped with 20,000 Mexican eggs in it. Two have hatched and they've already managed to steal a couple bikes."

[SOREHOOF]

Jermaine Jackson was overheard at Michaels funeral saying he hadn't seen him so stiff since Macauley Culkin spent the night.

[herkhorse]

A man is in bed with his Thai-girlfriend.

After having a great sex , she spends the next hour just stroking his dangly bits, something she had lovingly done on many occasions.

Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her: 'Why do you love doing that ?'

She replies: 'Because I really miss mine...'

[witchdoctor]

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer — you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"