Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[GBBob]

Originally Posted by timmgirvan

Exactly!

that's a first

[3kings]

Watch out Bob, I think he's trying to infiltrate the enemy.

[timmgirvan]

Originally Posted by GBBob

that's a first

oddly....I was thinking the same thing!

[philcski]

Irish jokes for st. patricks day

You have to Love the Irish


Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important
meeting and couldn't find a parking place. Looking up to heaven he said,
'Lord take pity on me. If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass
every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!'

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'







Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and asks the first man he meets, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

The man said, 'I do, Father.'

The priest said, 'Then stand over there against the wall.'

Then the priest asked the second man, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

'Certainly, Father,' the man replied.

'Then stand over there against the wall,' said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and asked, 'Do you want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'No, I don't Father.'

The priest said, 'I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you
die you don't want to go to heaven?'

O'Toole said, 'Oh, when I die , yes. I thought you were getting a group
together to go right now.'









Paddy was in New York .

He was patiently waiting and watching the traffic cop on a busy street
crossing. The cop stopped the flow of traffic and shouted, 'Okay,
pedestrians.' Then he'd allow the traffic to pass.

He'd done this several times, and Paddy still stood on the sidewalk.

After the cop had shouted, 'Pedestrians!' for the tenth time, Paddy went over to him and said, 'Is it not about time ye let the Catholics across?'
ababab

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the
obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend,
Finney.

'Did you see the paper?' asked Gallagher. 'They say I died!!'

'Yes, I saw it!' replied Finney. 'Where are ye callin' from?'









An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding
in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath
and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Good Lord! He's done it again!'







Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, 'Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman.'

'Oh yeah?' said Charlie, 'And how did this one end?'

'When it was over,' Mike replied, 'She came to me on her hands and knees.'

'Really,' said Charles, 'Now that's a switch! What did she say?'

She said, 'Come out from under the bed, you little chicken.'







Patton staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Kathleen.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their
upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by
grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his
rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing
especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Patton sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in
the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He
managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Patton woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Kathleen staring at him from across the room.

She said, 'You were drunk again last night weren't you?'

Patton said, 'Why you say such a mean thing?'

'Well,' Kathleen said, 'it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly .
it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.

[satan's twin]

An Israeli doctor said at a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

A german doctor stood up and said,"Well, medicine in my country is som advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced; we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and adressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced that we can take an ******* out of Chicago, put it in the White House and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

[GBBob]

Originally Posted by satan's twin

An Israeli doctor said at a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

A german doctor stood up and said,"Well, medicine in my country is som advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced; we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and adressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced that we can take an ******* out of Chicago, put it in the White House and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"

Welcome to the board newcomer

[satan's twin]

Originally Posted by GBBob

Welcome to the board newcomer

Shouldn't you be unpacking in London about now instead of sending Hallmark Card salutations?

[philcski]

another irish joke from the italian guy




An Irish Daughter had not been home for over five years. Upon her return, her father yelled at her, "Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through? Why didn't ye call?"


The girl, crying, replied, "Dad, I ... I became a prostitute."



"Ye what??!! " screamed her father. "Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family!"



O, Dad, can ye not forgive me?" pleaded the girl through her tears. "If ye want me to leave, Il do as ye wish." She wiped her eyes and opened the suitcase she had brought with her. "I just came back to give Mum this mink coat, the title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, and a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership in the country
club..."



She blew her nose and took a breath. ".....and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board me new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

"What was it ye said ye had become?" asked her Dad.



The girl burst into tears again. "A.... a prostitute, Dad."

"Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said "a Protestant"....... Come here and give yer old dad a hug!"

[cowgirlintexas]

Originally Posted by satan's twin

An Israeli doctor said at a medical conference, "Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it into another and have him looking for work in six weeks!"

A german doctor stood up and said,"Well, medicine in my country is som advanced, we can take a lung out of one person and put it into another and have him looking for work in 4 weeks."

A Russian doctor got up and said "My country is even more advanced; we can remove half a heart from one person, put it into another and have them both looking for work in just 2 weeks!"

Not to be outdone, the American doctor stood up and adressed the conference, "Well", he said, "My country is so far advanced that we can take an ******* out of Chicago, put it in the White House and have half the country looking for work in 24 hours!"