Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[herkhorse]

A golfer playing in Ireland
hooked
his drive into the woods. Looking
for his ball, he found a little
Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump
on his head and the golfer's
ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer
got his water bottle from
the cart and poured it over the
little guy, reviving him.

'Arrgh! What happened?' the
Leprechaun
asked.

'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,'
the golfer says.

'Oh, I see. Well, ye
got me fair and square. Ye
get three wishes, so whaddya
want?'

'Thank God, you're all right!' the
golfer
answers in relief. 'I don't want
anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and
I apologize.'

And the golfer walks
off.

'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says
to
himself.

I have to do something
for him. I'll
give him
the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the
money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex
life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On
the same
hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the
Leprechaun is there waiting for him.

'Twas me that made ye
hit the ball here,' the
little guy says. 'I just want to
ask ye, how's yer golf game?'

'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers.
I'm an internationally famous golfer
now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all
right.'

'Oh,
I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know.
And tell me, how's yer money
situation?'

'Why, it's just
wonderful!' the golfer states.
'When I need cash, I just reach in
my pocket and pull out $100 bills
I didn't even know were
there!'

'I
did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex
life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away
in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's
OK.'

C'mon,
c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I
did a good job. How many times a
week?'

Blushing even more, the
golfer looks around then
whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a
week.'

'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only
once or twice a week?'

'Well,' says the
golfer, 'I figure that's not
bad for a Catholic priest in a
small parish.'

[hi_im_god]

three horses are talking before a race. the first one says, "i've been in four races and only lost once."

the second one says, "that's nothing, i've been in five races and never been beaten."

the third horse says, "well i've been in 6 races, including two graded stakes and i've never lost."

there's a soft chuckle. a smiling greyhound nearby yawns then says, "i was in over 50 races, never lost, and won most by 3 lengths or more."

the horses look at each other in shock.

the first horse says, "holy fuc k! a talking dog!!!"

[Indian Charlie]

Did you guys hear about that new Mexican-Jewish restaurant?

It's named Casa de Hadassah.

[Payson Dave]

usually good for a chuckle...
http://www.indiancharlie.com/newsletter030309.html

[Sightseek]

http://icanhascheezburger.files.word...t-on-horse.jpg

[Sightseek]

Has anyone tried the new OctoSlam Breakfast at Denny's?

8 eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you pays for it all.

[TheSpyder]

Like that one!

Originally Posted by Sightseek

Has anyone tried the new OctoSlam Breakfast at Denny's?

8 eggs, no sausage and the guy next to you pays for it all.

[pgiaco]

Why did Spitzer get caught with the hooker?
He was using Patterson as a lookout.

[dellinger63]

Having a bad day




Ok not that funny but she laughed (neighed)




Rock On



Cause I said so.......

[herkhorse]

Guts or balls................
We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really
know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed,
the definitions are exemplified below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by
your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning,
or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of
perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and
having the balls to say: You're next,
Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome.


>

[witchdoctor]

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser."

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. "I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didn't care." The second Englishman remarked, "You just don't know how to set him off...watch and learn." So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!"

"Oh really, hmm, didn't know that."

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. "You're right. He's unshakable!"

The third Englishman remarked, "Boys, I'll really tick him off... just watch." So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, "I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!"

"Yeah, that's what your buddies were trying to tell me

[Princess Doreen]

From a little book called "Disorder in the Court." These are things people
ACTUALLY said in court, WORD FOR WORD....

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: And where was the location of the accident?
A: Approximately milepost 499.
Q: And where is milepost 499?
A: Probably between milepost 498 and 500.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo or
occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue
lights flashing?
A: Yes.
Q: Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?
A: Yes, sir.
Q: What did she say?
A: What disco am I at?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?


Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice
which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the
autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?
A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practising law
somewhere.

Q: You were not shot in the fracas?
A: No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.

LAWYER: What did the tissue samples taken from the victim's vagina show?
WITNESS: There were traces of semen.
LAWYER: Male semen?
WITNESS: Is there any other kind?

LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in New York?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Chicago?
WITNESS: I refuse to answer that question.
LAWYER: Did you ever sleep with him in Miami?
WITNESS: No.


LAWYER: So, after the anaesthetic, when you came out of it, what did you
observe with respect to your scalp?
WITNESS: I didn't see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.
LAWYER: It was covered?
WITNESS: Yes. Bandaged.
LAWYER: Then, later on, what did you see?
WITNESS: I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put
on top of my head.

CLERK: Please repeat after me: "I swear by Almighty God..."
WITNESS: "I swear by Almighty God."
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: That's right.
CLERK: Repeat it.
WITNESS: "Repeat it".
CLERK: No! Repeat what I said.
WITNESS: What you said when?
CLERK: "That the evidence that I give..."
WITNESS: "That the evidence that I give."
CLERK: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: It will, and nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth and..."
WITNESS: I'm not a scholar, you know.
CLERK: We can appreciate that. Just repeat after me: "Shall be the truth
and..."
WITNESS: "Shall be the truth and."
CLERK: Say: "Nothing...".
WITNESS: Okay. (Witness remains silent.)
CLERK: No! Don't say nothing. Say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Can't you say: "Nothing but the truth..."?
WITNESS: Yes.
CLERK: Well? Do so.
WITNESS: You're confusing me.
CLERK: Just say: "Nothing but the truth...".
CLERK: Yes.
WITNESS: Okay. I understand.
CLERK: Then say it.
WITNESS: What?
CLERK: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: But I do! That's just it.
CLERK: You must say: "Nothing but the truth..."
WITNESS: I WILL say nothing but the truth!
CLERK: Please, just repeat these four words: "Nothing", "But","The",
"Truth".
WITNESS: What? You mean, like, now?
CLERK: Yes! Now. Please. Just say those four words.
WITNESS: "Nothing. But. The. Truth."
CLERK: Thank you.
WITNESS: I'm just not a scholar.

LAWYER: On the morning of July 25th, did you walk from the farmhouse down
the footpath to the cowshed?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And as a result, you passed within a few yards of the duck pond?
WITNESS: I did.
LAWYER: And did you observe anything?
WITNESS: I did. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, could you tell the Court what you saw?
WITNESS: I saw George.
LAWYER: You saw George *******, the defendant in this case?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Can you tell the Court what George ******* was doing?
WITNESS: Yes. (Witness remains silent.)
LAWYER: Well, would you kindly do so?
WITNESS: He had his thing stuck into one of the ducks.
LAWYER: His "thing"?
WITNESS: You know... His thing. His di... I mean, his pe...
LAWYER: You passed close by the duck pond, the light was good,
you were sober, you have good eyesight, and you saw this clearly?
WITNESS: Yes.
LAWYER: Did you say anything to him?
WITNESS: Of course I did!
LAWYER: What did you say to him?
WITNESS: "Morning, George

[Oaklawnfan]

A cowboy walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman, He gives her a quick glance then causally looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it…"

The intrigued woman says, "a state-of-the-art watch?"

"What's so special about it?"

The cowboy explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties."
The woman giggles and replies "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The cowboy smiles, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast.

[Princess Doreen]

I did not snopes.com this to make certain quotes are correctly attributed, but it's funny:

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, 'Lillian, you should have remained a virgin..'
- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)

I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt

Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain

The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns

Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge

Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain

By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor

Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat..
- Alex Levine

My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Money can't buy you happiness .... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan

Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C. Fields

We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller

By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal


And the cardiologist' s diet: - If it tastes good spit it out.

[AeWingnut]

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he Saw two men along
the roadside eating grass.
Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to Investigate.
He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor
Man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'
'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and
I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.
'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They Are over there, under
that tree.'
'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.
Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with
Us also.'
The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But
Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'
'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered
They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as
the limousine was.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer And said,
'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'
The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it.
You'll really love my place.
The grass is almost a foot high.'

[AeWingnut]

for some reason I really like these 2

Originally Posted by Princess Doreen

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill

[satan's twin]

5000 men surveyed were asked why they like blowjobs.

1% liked the warmth
2% liked the sensation
3% liked the eroticism



94% just liked the peace and quiet

[herkhorse]

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked:
“Whatcha doing, Tim?”
“My goldfish died,” replied the boy tearfully, without looking up. “And I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was concerned. “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied: “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”

[herkhorse]

A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday. They arrive at the club and the doorman says, “Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh, no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, “How did she know that you drink Budweiser?”

“She’s in the Ladies’ Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them.”

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says “Hi Davey. Want your usual lap dance, big boy?”

Dave’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.
The cabby turns his head and says, “Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave.”

[Arletta]

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.
His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams
the dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.
The little guy gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I thould rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?'