Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[GBBob]

Courtesy of Satan's Twin..

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.

On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten.. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want...... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?

[TheSpyder]

Buckwheat from the Little Rascals is in class. The teacher is testing the students on spelling.

"Buckwheat, can you spell "dictate"?
"Why, I dink so.....D-I-C-T-A-T-E, dictate"
"Very good, Buckwheat, can you use that word in a sentence?"
After a long pause...
"Darla say my dictate good!"

[herkhorse]

a man comes home from the golf course one day, walks up to his wife in the kitchen and punches her right in the face. Dazed and confused, she pulls herself of the floor and says "what the hell was that all about?"

The man just shrugged and said "I don't know, I've been hitting everything fat all day."

[mclem0822]

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend, 'I wish I had bigger tits'. The boyfriend says 'well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months'. 'How will that help to make my tits bigger?' asks the girlfriend.
'Well it worked for your ass' says the boyfriend.

[Danzig]

old man and his old lady are sitting on the porch, rocking in their rocking chairs. suddenly, the old lady reaches over and knocks the old man so hard, he falls on the porch.
'what the hell was that for?'. '50 years of bad sex' she replies.

a few minutes later, he reaches over and knocks her so hard, she falls on the porch.
'now, what was that for' she says. he replies 'for knowing the difference!'

[AeWingnut]

two guys on a plane and they notice each of them has a back eye.

The one said, "what happened to you?"

well it was a slip of the tongue. I went to the ticket counter and the gal behind the counter had a huge pair and instead of saying, "gimme two tickets to pittsburgh" I said, "Give me two tickets to Tittsburgh" and she popped me one - what happened to you

same thing, a slip of the tongue

I was sitting at the breakfast table and I meant to say, "honey, please pass the cereal" but instead I said, "you ruined my life you fcukin b itch"

[mclem0822]

A squad car driver was covering a quiet beat out in the sticks when he was amazed to find a former lieutenant on the police force covering the beat.

He stopped the car and asked, "Why, Irish Mike, this wouldn't be your new beat out here in the sticks, would it?"

"That it is, "Irish Mike replied grimly, "ever since I arrested the judge on his way to the masquerade ball."

"You mean you pinched his honor?" asked Pat.

"How was I to know that his convict suit was only a costume?" demanded Mike.

"Well," mused Pat, "there's a lesson in this somewhere."

"That there is," replied Irish Mike...." 'Tis wise never to book a judge by his cover."