Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

Free meat

It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted him with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it? Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.

The butcher had been counting the years off on his calendar, and one day the teenager, who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."


When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on his face!"

[Downthestretch55]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool." says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in-movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening kids," with a small wink for Bobby.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father:

"DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

[Downthestretch55]

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A BLUENECK IF. . .



1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning, "to cook outside."



2. You think Heinz Ketchup is really SPICY!



3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "

Worcestershire sauce" correctly.



4. For breakfast, you would prefer potato au gratin to

grits.



5. You don't know what moon pie is.



6. You've never had an RC cola.



7. You have never, ever, eaten okra, fried or boiled.



8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.



9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows

you've seen are on road trips.



10. You have no idea what a polecat is.



11. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater

on a poodle.



12. You don't have bangs.



13. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than

Six Flags.



14. More than two generations of your family have been

kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.



15. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than

grow up to get his own TV fishing show.



16. Instead of referring to two or more people as

"y'all," you call them "you guys," even if both of them

are women.



17. You don't think Ted Kennedy has an accent.

18. You have never planned your summer vacation around

a gun-n-knife show.



19. You think more money should go to important

scientific research at your university than to pay the

salary of the head football coach.



20. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere

around the house.



21. The last time you smiled was when you prevented

someone from getting on an on ramp to the highway.



22. You don't have any hats in your closet that

advertise feed stores.



23. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume

counter at Neiman Marcus.



24. You call binoculars opera glasses.



25. You can't spit out the car window without pulling

over to the side of road and stopping.



26. You would never wear pink or an appliqu?

sweatshirt.



27. You don't know what appliqu? is.



28. You don't know anyone with at least two first names

(i.e. Joe Bob, Faye Ellen, Billy Ray, Mary Jo, Bubba Dean,

Joe Dan, Mary Alice)



29. You don't have doilies and you certainly don't know

how to make one.



30. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk

to you.



31. You can do your laundry without quarters.



32. None of your fur coats are homemade

[Downthestretch55]

Tip for Red Neck Ladies...

Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them.
The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom
carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a
contrasting polish should be selected).

[TheSpyder]

> > Golf Vs Sex
> >
> > A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by
>a
> >
> > couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the
> > golfer
> > mumbles to himself.
> >
> > Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you
> > be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"
> >
> > Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
> > golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen so he says,
>"Sure,"
> > and
> > sinks the putt.
> >
> > Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
> > like to get an eagle on this one." The same stranger is at his
>side
> > again
> > and
> > whispers,"Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex
> > life?"
> >
> > Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.
> >
> > On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win. Without
> > waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his
> > side and says,"Would winning this match be worth giving up the
>rest
> >of
> > your
> > sex
> > life?"
> >
> > "Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
> >
> > As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
> > alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you
>because
> > you
> > don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from this day forward you
> >will
> > have
> > no sex life."
> >
> > "Nice to meet you," the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."
> >
> >
> >

[Downthestretch55]

The Hunter and the Grizzly Bear

This guy is out hunting one day when he comes across the biggest Grizzly bear he's ever seen. He quickly raises his shotgun and BLAM! BLAM! fires at it. When the smoke clears, there's no bear. Then he feels a tap on his shoulder - it's the bear. "OK ****head," the bear says, "you have two choices. Either I get to maul you to death, or I get to do ya in the butt." Choosing the lesser of two evils, the hunter bends over and takes his punishment. Limping back into the house that night, however, he vows revenge. The next day he goes out looking for the bear with extra ammo. After an hour and a half, he sees the bear. Taking careful aim, he BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! fires right at him. However, when the smoke clears, there's no sign of the bear. Suddenly, he feels a tap on his shoulder. "You know the drill, same as yesterday, pal," the bear says. The next day, the hunter takes an elephant gun with him, vowing once and for all to do in the damn thing. He finds the bear, and KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! KA-BLAM! he fires at the bear, trees falling down from the gunshots, the air shaking from the concussions, but when the smoke clears, no bear. Tap tap tap. The hunter turns around to see the bear standing there with a smirk on his face. "You're not in this for the huntin', are ya?"

[Downthestretch55]

SEX QUOTATIONS

"What do I know about sex? I'm a married man." - Tom Clancy

"I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy." - Steve Martin

"You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither." - Drew Carey

"Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good." - Woody Allen

"Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand." - Unknown

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible." - P. J. O'Rourke

"If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all." - Rodney Dangerfield

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." - Woody Allen

"I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty." - George Burns

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - Matt Barry

"Leaving sex to the feminists to arrange is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist." - Camille Paglia

"Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast." - Woody Allen

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." - George Burns