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#1
08-08-2008, 02:04 PM
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Now, I'm sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it. Okay, here's the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the ****ing skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little ****'s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little **** he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming "****! ****!." Now, my good friend, Tom we'll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting "****! MAYBE HE DIDN'T GET IT! ****!". By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid. Here's the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Ma'am, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I'm... I'm ****ING HIV POSITIVE." And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just ****ed up big time because his mom isn't defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my **** from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the **** she is. I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. I'm not really HIV Positive, but that little **** must've gotten in a ****heap of trouble.
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#2
08-08-2008, 02:07 PM
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My favorite so far...
Okay so at my school we have faculty advisers that are assigned to students according to their last names. The faculty advisers help students with scheduling conflicts, general questions, help with internships/employment, etc. My adviser is named Jess Depew and as you can see she's pretty hot. The picture doesn't really do her justice but they're all I've got at the moment. She's like 25 and she's only been at the school a few years. Anyway, I have been looking into getting an internship at a TV station or something over the summer, and the school helps coordinate these things with an internship database that's maintained by the advisers. You log on with your school ID and password and you can browse internships and stuff. I was having trouble logging on to mine so I went to go see Ms. Depew. That's where all the trouble started. Firstly, I walked into office like 15 minutes early like an idiot and she's in the middle of lunch. So I awkwardly make stupid stall talk until she's finished. "Oh, hey, what are you eating?" "Salmon. I love it. I eat it practically everyday." "Just salmon? That's pretty weird." Why the hell did I say this? "Oh, well, I don't know. I try to eat healthy, natural foods...you know, like wild berries and honey and stuff." "Yeah, I like food too." *facepalm* Man, I was so nervous. Anyway, we finally begin squaring my stuff away. She looks up what I registered with in the beginning of the year. This is when the crap really hit the fan. This is how the conversation went: "Okay, you're account name is [my name] and your password is ...'depewissexy'..." Oh damn. I completely forgot that I put that as my password in the beginning of the year. What the hell was I thinking? It was probably the longest 20 seconds of my life before I finally got my balls together to stand up and leave. Just as I walk out the door she says, "In the future, you might want to bear in mind what kind of things you want keep to yourself." I was so freaking embarrassed I wanted to kill myself right then and there. I wanted to run the hell out of there and never, ever see her again. But something about what she just said kept me standing in her doorway. I decided to man up and apologize. I turned to her, looked her straight in the eyes, and swallowed my pride. And then, it hit me like a train full of bricks. She was eating Salmon. She tries to eat all healthy, natural foods, like wild berries and honey. She told me that I might want to bear in mind what kind of things I want to keep to myself. Ms. Depew was a bear disguised as a human.
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#5
08-08-2008, 02:39 PM
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I was sitting alone at home one night, curled up in a blanket on the couch. I was watching "Sex in the City" and I heard a knock at the door. I got up, and looked out the peephole. It was Kobe Bryant. I was very surprised, I do not know him personally. I opened the door and let him in, because hey, its not like a huge NBA star is there to rob you or anything! After he stepped in the foyer, he grabbed me and made me swallow my chewing gum. I immediately blurted out that was a horrible thing to do because it will stay in there for 7 years! Kobe began laughing incredibly hard, then grabbed me again. Before I could even scream, he was ripping off my pants and lowering my panties, "jamming" his enormous dong into my tight, but willing cunny. He truly began raping me viciously in every hole, but it wasnt rape. I hadn't had sex in the past year, and I really needed this. Especially from such a well endowed man. As he thrusted in and out, he picked me up and moved me into the kitchen. I didnt have any idea why. He opened the freezer and removed my frozen pre-made chicken nuggets. He popped them in the microwave and continued his sexual escapade. Kobe began sniffing loudly, pulling in immense amounts of air through his huge negro nostrils. "Whats wrong, Kobe? Keep Thrusting!" I yelled, as I was nearing climax. But he continued sniffing uncontrollably. He then dropped me on the floor, reached in the microwave and grabbed the plate of nuggets. The worst thing ever happened next. He grabbed each nugget, smelled it, licked it, and then jammed it right into his anus. Before long, Kobe's anus was full of Tyson's very best nuggets, and I was masturbating to my second climax (I, however, did not notice him doing his thing with the nuggets). The next thing, however, was what shocked, surprised, and scarred me for life. Kobe walked over to me, and said "Ya hungry?" I said "Were you cooking those nuggets for us to eat? How thoughtful of you!" To my surprise, he said "No way bitch! Now eat up!" and he sat right down on my face and began to **** the nuggets, one by one, into my mouth. He exhibited amazing anal control, and surprisingly the **** encrusted nuggets tasted fabulous. Kobe has been coming over whenever the Lakers are in town for the past year ohh yeah.
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#6
08-08-2008, 02:40 PM
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Quote:
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#8
08-08-2008, 02:46 PM
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Quote:
I think it might be hossy though he does put up pictures of himself as a bear. If ya can masquerade as human when you are really a bear, what's to say you can't masquerade as girl when you are a boy!
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#9
08-08-2008, 07:38 PM
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Quote:
__________________
Felix Unger talking to Oscar Madison: "Your horse could finish third by 20 lengths and they still pay you? And you have been losing money for all these years?!"
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#10
08-12-2008, 08:34 PM
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Parents
Just read this and wanted to share a smile. Did'nt really know where else to post it, so here it is...
WHY PARENTS DRINK A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter. Dear Dad: It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many m ore children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren. Love, Your Son Cody, P.S.. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
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