Joke of the Day

[paisjpq]

Warding off illness and diseases.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties. She was

admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the

pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.



As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister

noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled

with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she

returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.



The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of

water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He

could no longer resist. " Miss Beatrice", he said, "I wonder if you would

tell me about this?" pointing to the bowl.



"Oh, yes," she replied, "Isn't it wonderful? I was walking

through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would

prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had

the flu all winter?

[paisjpq]

This is a strictly mathematical viewpoint...it goes like this:

What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder >about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been >to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about >achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?

Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:
A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

But ,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

And,

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it's theBullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top.

Mattel recently announced the release of limited-edition Barbie Dolls
for the Kentucky market:


"Lexington Barbie "
This princess Barbie is sold only at Fayette Mall. She comes with an
assortment of Coach Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a long-haired foreign dog
named Honey and a cookie-cutter house. Available with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in conjunction with the augmented
version.


" Owensboro Barbie"
The modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar
Minivan and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full-time occupation.
Traffic jamming cell phone sold separately.


" Bulitt County Barbie"
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a hunting
knife,a Chevy with dark tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Kit. This model is only available after dark and must be paid for in cash (preferably small, untraceable
bills) ..unless you are a cop, then we don't know what you are talking about.


"Louisville (east end) Barbie"
This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
H2.
Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
membership.
Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.


" Muhlenburg County Barbie"
This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
small, a NASCAR t-shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She
has a six-pack of Bud light and a Hank Williams Jr. CD set. She can spit over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's ass when she is drunk. Purchase her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.


" Covington Barbie"
This collagen injected, rhino plastic Barbie wears a leopard print
outfit and drinks cosmopolitans while entertaining friends.
Percocet prescription available as well as warehouse conversion condo.

" Ohio County Barbie"
This tobacco-chewing, brassy-haired Barbie has a pair of her own
high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
beer-gutted Ken out of Lexington Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, and a see-through halter-top. Also available with a mobile home.


" Bowling Green Barbie"
This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
socks.
She prefers that you call her Willow . She does not want or need a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Vanderbilt Barbies and the optional Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag bumper sticker for free.


" Casey County Barbie"
This Barbie now comes with a stroller and infant doll. Optional
accessories include a GED and WIC vouchers. Nascar Ken, Jr and his 1982 Monte Carlo where available, but are now very difficult to find since the addition of the infant.



" Laurel County Barbie"
She's perfect in every way. We don't know where Ken is because he's
always out with the boys drinking. Includes lifetime supply of Hairspray.
Optional
>accessories include Bedazzled sweater and matching belt.



" Love's Truck Stop Barbie/Ken"
This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by
simply
adding or subtracting the multiple snap-on parts.

[paisjpq]

that's funny...cause you can get some very similar Vermont limited edition barbies

>Limited Edition Vermont Barbie
>
>
>Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
>for the Vermont Market:
>
>Williston Barbie
>This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Williston stores. She
>comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
>long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
>with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
>conjunction with "augmented" version.
>
>South Burlington Barbie
>This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
>and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
>occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
>separately.
>
>Old North End Barbie
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
>knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
>is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
>Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
>know what you are talking about.
>
>Essex / Shelburne Barbie
>This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
>h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
>membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
>School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
>
>Milton Barbie
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
>small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
>six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
>over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase
>her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker
>absolutely free.
>
>Stowe Barbie
>This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski
>outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.
>Optional Percocet prescription available.
>
>Barton Barbie
>This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own
>high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
>Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hardwick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
>low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter
>top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
>
>Montpelier Barbie
>This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
>arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
>socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need
>a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional
>Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
>
>Richmond Barbie
>This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV,
>complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll
>also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.
>
>Barre Barbie
>This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll.
>Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
>Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
>addition of the infant.

[Downthestretch55]

Time to bring this thread back up for the "newbies".
Today it won't be about Judge Larry. His antics have been funny enough.
I was thinking about one for Anna Nicole. Boob rot doesn't seem worthwhile.
Just put her in the ground already!
Yet, somehow, death can be laughed at, so I'll put this one out.
Also, "newbies"...add your own.

"Dead Penis"

An old man, Mr. Smith, resided in a nursing home.

One day he went into the nurses' office and informed Nurse Jones his penis died. Nurse Jones, realizing that Mr. Smith was old and forgetful, decided To play along with him. "It did? I'm sorry to hear that," she replied.

Two days later, Mr. Smith was walking down the halls at the nursing home with his penis hanging outside his pants. Nurse Jones saw him and said, "Mr. Smith, I thought you told me your penis died."

"It did," he said. "Today is the viewing."

Originally Posted by paisjpq

that's funny...cause you can get some very similar Vermont limited edition barbies

>Limited Edition Vermont Barbie
>
>
>Mattel recently announced the release of Limited Edition Barbie Dolls
>for the Vermont Market:
>
>Williston Barbie
>This princess Barbie is only sold at exclusive Williston stores. She
>comes with an assortment of Kate Spade Handbags, a Lexus SUV, a
>long-haired foreign dog named Honey and a cookie cutter house. Available
>with or without tummy tuck and face lift. Workaholic Ken sold only in
>conjunction with "augmented" version.
>
>South Burlington Barbie
>This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with Ford Windstar Minivan
>and matching gym outfit. She gets lost easily and has no full time
>occupation or secondary education. Traffic jamming cell phone sold
>separately.
>
>Old North End Barbie
>This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, a Ray Lewis
>knife, a Chevy with dark tinted windows and a Meth Lab Kit. This model
>is only available after dark and can only be paid for in cash.
>Preferably small, untraceable bills. Unless you are a cop, then we don't
>know what you are talking about.
>
>Essex / Shelburne Barbie
>This yuppie Barbie comes with your choice of BMW convertible or Hummer
>h3. Included are her own Starbucks cup, credit card and country club
>membership. Also available for this set are Shallow Ken and Private
>School Skipper. You won't be able to afford any of them.
>
>Milton Barbie
>This pale model comes dressed in her own Wrangler jeans two sizes too
>small, a NASCAR shirt and tweety bird tattoo on her shoulder. She has a
>six pack of Coors light and a Hank Williams, Jr. CD set. She can spit
>over 5 feet and kick mullet-haired Ken's butt when she's drunk. Purchase
>her pickup truck separately and get a confederate flag bumper sticker
>absolutely free.
>
>Stowe Barbie
>This collagen injected, rhinoplastic Barbie wears a leopard print ski
>outfit and drinks Cosmopolitans while entertaining friends at the lodge.
>Optional Percocet prescription available.
>
>Barton Barbie
>This tobacco chewing, brassy haired Barbie has a pair of her own
>high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased
>Beer-Gutted Ken out of Hardwick Barbie's house. Her ensemble includes
>low rise acid washed jeans, fake finger nails, and a see through halter
>top. Also available with a mobile home and 8-track tape player.
>
>Montpelier Barbie
>This doll is made of actual tofu. She has long straight brown hair,
>arch-less feet, hairy armpits, no makeup and Birkenstocks with white
>socks. She prefers that you call her "Willow". She does not want or need
>a Ken doll, but if you purchase two Montpelier Barbies and the optional
>Subaru wagon, you get a rainbow flag sticker for free.
>
>Richmond Barbie
>This Barbie comes with her own mountain bike. Available with SUV,
>complete with Kayak on the roof and dog in the back. Optional Ken doll
>also comes with his own mountain bike and dog.
>
>Barre Barbie
>This Barbie is only 14 and comes with a stroller and infant doll.
>Optional accessories include a GED and bus pass. Gangsta Ken and his '79
>Caddy were available, but are now very difficult to find since the
>addition of the infant.

Is there a Bomoseen Barbie as well?

[MaTH716]

With a man soon to celebrate his 50th wedding
anniversary at the church's marriage marathon,

the minister asked Pete to take a few minutes and

share some insight into how he managed to maintain

his marriage with the same woman all these years.


The husband replied to the audience, "Well, I

treated her with respect, spent money on her, but

mostly I took her traveling on special occasions.


"The minister inquired "Trips to where?"
"For our 25th anniversary, I took her to Beijing, China.


"The minister then said, "What a terrific example you

are to all husbands, Pete. Please tell the audience what

you're going to do for your wife on your 50th anniversary?"



Pete: "I'm going to go get her."

[Downthestretch55]

Samm's joke....

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when

a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in

the stomach.

Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in

because it wastoo risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters

and a healthy son.



All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked

into the room in tears. "What's wrong?" asked the mother.

"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out,"

replied the daughter.The mother told her it was okay

and explained what happened 16 years ago.



About a week later the second daughter walked into

the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this

bullet came out." Again the mother told her not to worry

and explained what happened 16 years ago.



A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened.

You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."

"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."!