Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

The year in review, in his own words..."Bushisms" of 2006:
http://www.slate.com/id/76886/

[Downthestretch55]

I'm Not Hungry!


A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but l'm not hungry right now. It’s this Viagra," he says. "it's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"

He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"

He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra...l'm still not hungry."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I’m starving."

[Downthestretch55]

Top 59 Mistakes Made by Adolf Hitler

1. Land War in Asia
2. Changed name from highly catchy 'Schickelgruber' to boring 'Hitler'
3. Leaving his little mustache: not growing a friendly Abe Lincoln beard
to instill trust among subjects
4. Not buying lifts for his shoes
5. Failure to exploit Me 262 Messerschmidt
6. Failure to exploit Eva Braun
7. Chose swastika as party symbol rather than the daisy
8. Chose Josef Goebels rather than Marlene Dietrich to promote Nazi image
9. Chose "Deutschland Uber Alles" over "Let's All Be There" as party slogan
10. Lost the Ark to Indiana Jones
11. Chose unfashionable blacks and browns rather than trendy plaids and
stripes as uniform colors for SS & SA
12. Referring to Stalin as "that old Georgian fat back"
13. Indiscriminate use of V-2 rockets for public fireworks displays
14. Free beer in munitions plants
15. Lisp never corrected
16. Bad toupe
17. Refused to undergo nostril reduction surgery
18. Failed to conquer strategically important Comoros Islands
19. Fell asleep in staff meetings
20. Chose Italy as ally
21. Land War in Asia
22. Got involved with a Sicilian when death was on the line
23. Made pass at Eleanor Roosevelt during 1936 Olympics
24. Built heliport on top of new Reichstag building which looked remarkably
like a bullseye from the air
25. Always got Churchill out of bed for conference calls
26. Never had fireside mass rallies
27. Told Einstein he had a stupid name
28. Used SS instead of LAPD
29. Admired Napoleon's strategy
30. Strong fondness for sauerkraut and beans made General Staff avoid him
constantly
31. In last days, chose to hide in bunker rather than ask U.S. for a little
country place in Hawaii
32. Nightmare involving Pillsbury Doughboy haunted him constantly with war
advice
33. Major theme in speeches -- "liebensraum, or "living room" -- widely
misperceived as call for domestic architectural reform
34. Failed to revoke Rudolph Hess's pilot licence.
35. Pissed off Jesse Owens at 1936 Olympics
36. Didn't put his brother Billy in the concentration camps. When word got
out that Billy was just a beer guzzling fat guy in a small town in
Bavaria who grew peanuts it was bad P.R. for Der Fuhrer
37. Breast feeding for too long
38. Passed up Finish "tanks for snowshoes" offer before invasion of USSR
39. Drank to much at Beer Hall Putsch
40. Spent jail time planning how to conquer the world instead of his own
escape.
41. Forgot to write "Dear Joey" letter to Stalin before invasion of Poland
42. Blew nose on Operation Barbarossa maps, forcing extemporaneous invasion
of Soviet Union
43. Took no steps to keep Neville Chamberline in power
44. Chose the Tirpitz for that weekend of love with Eva in the Fjords
45. Frequently mistaken for Charlie Chaplin due to mustache; undermined
credibility (as when he threatened to invade Poland, everyone waited
for the punchline)
46. Came off as poor loser when "Triumph of the Will" failed to win Oscar
for "best Foreign Documentary" -- "You don't like me" speech
undermined image.
47. Used to make prank calls to FDR asking if he had "Prince Albert in
a can"
48. Forgot correct interpretation of Nietzche; caused much embarrassment
when he used to cite philosophical support for his concept of the
"Oberdude"
49. Got drunk on schnapps and suggested Tojo attack the U.S. saying, "The
U.S. only has twenty times your industrial power, what are you, a
wimp?"
50. Listened to too much Wagner and not enough Peter, Paul and Mary
51. Spent too much on screwdrivers and toilet seats
52. Tried to play football with Axis Lucy who pulled the ball away at the
last second
53. Failed to encourage tourism
54. Being born
55. Never did the honorable thing with Eva Braun
56. Alienated Chamberline at Munich by sticking an "Invade me" sign on his
back
57. Kept Colonel Klink in command
58. Churchill mistakenly thought "Deutschland Uber Alles" was a veiled
threat

[Buffymommy]

Here's one for you guys!


Two female teachers went on a field trip to the
local racetrack (Arlington Park) to learn about
thoroughbred horses and the supporting
industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom
it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside
the men's room when one of the boys came out and
told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys
with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up
one by one holding onto their "wee wees" to direct the
flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that
he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher
said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver
Arrow in the seventh.

[Downthestretch55]

The Top 16 Chapters in "Sex for Dummies"

16. Evolution 101: Why Dummies Might Actually Make Poor
Sex Partners

15. Troubleshooting for Do-It-Yourselfers (NOTE:
Memorize this chapter *before* you go blind.)

14. Oh, God! Yes!! Oh, God! OH, GOD!!!: The Missionary
Position

13. Am I a Tab A or a Slot B?

12. Engineering Secrets of the Bra: Removal in 14
Simple Steps

11. The Face: How to Tell Your Lover Apart from All
Those Other People

10. Chapter 4: No, You Don't *Actually* Blow

9. Stop Masturbating, She's Real!

8. You're Britney, I'm Strom: Introduction to Role
Playing

7. Foreplay: Not Just for Her Birthday, Chester

6. Putting the Condom on a Banana is Just for
*Practice*, Dumbass

5. Crouching Doggie and Hidden Missionary: A Guide to
Sexual Positions

4. "Alternate" Lifestyles: Pokeman?

3. Hey! Watch Those Teeth, Vampira!!

2. Sexual Physics: The Round Peg/Round Hole Theory

and the Number 1 Chapter in "Sex for Dummies"...

Chapter 1: Mayor McWeiner and the Clamburglar

[Downthestretch55]

this one is for Balletto.
I'm looking to find her a "perfect husband". How's that for an oxymoron?
Here ya go babe....

The Prefect Husband

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings. A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:

"Hello?"

"Honey, It's me."

"Sugar!"

"Are you at the club?"

"Yes."

"Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a beautiful mink coat... It is absolutely gorgeous!! Can I buy it?"

"What's the price?"

"Only $1,500.00"

"Well, OK, go ahead and get, if you like it that much..."

"Ahhh and I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2007 models. I saw one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a really good price ... and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year..."

"What price did he quote you?"

"Only $60,000..."

"OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

"Great!, before we hang up, something else..."

"What?"

"It might look like a lot, but I was reconciling your bank account and...I stopped by the real estate agent this morning and I saw the house we had looked at last year ... it's on sale!! Remember? The one with a pool, English Garden, acre of park area, beachfront property..." "How much are they asking?"

"Only $450,000... a magnificent price, and I see that we have that much in the bank to cover..." "Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000. OK?"

"OK, sweetie... Thanks! I'll see you later!! I love you!!!"

"Bye... I do too..."

The man hangs up, closes the phone's flap and raises his hand while holding the phone and asks to all those present: "Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

[witchdoctor]

A man calls home to check in with his wife, to let her know he'll be home early, when suddenly, a strange woman answers.

The confused man inquires, ''Who is this?''

''This is the maid,'' answers the woman.

''We don't have a maid,'' says the man.

The woman says, ''I was hired this morning by the lady of the house.''

"I told her we didn't need one, " the man muttered under his breath. ''Well, this is her husband. Is she there?''

The woman replies, ''She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone...who I thought was her husband.''

The man, suddenly realizes what's going on and begins to fume. Moments later, he says to the maid, ''Listen, would you like to make $50,000?''

The maid hesistates, but answers, ''What do I have to do?''

The man explains to her: ''I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with.''

The maid pauses for a moment to consider the awful deed and puts the phone down. A minute later, the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots!

The maid comes back to the phone breathing heavily, and with a slight quiver in her voice asks, ''What do I do with the bodies?''

The man, quite despondent at this point, replies, ''Throw them in the swimming pool.''

Puzzled, the maid answers, ''But you don't have a pool.''

A long pause follows.

Another long pause.

Finally the man asks:

''Is this 567-5309?''