Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[bigrun]

Disclaimer: This joke is not intended to insult anyone...If it does, tough schit


A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.
>
> He asks a girl in a in the research section: "Do you mind if I
> sit beside you?”
>
> The girl replied with a loud voice: "NO, I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE
> NIGHT WITH YOU!"
>
> All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he
> was truly embarrassed and moved to another table.
>
> After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table
> and said with a giggle, "I study psychology, and I know what a man
> is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?”
>
> The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT!!? THAT
> 'S WAY TOO MUCH!
>
> All the people in the library looked at the girl in total shock.
>
> The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

[bigrun]

Watery Eyes After Sex

Two black guys are at a bar talking, one says to the other,

You ever notice after you have sex with a white woman that your eyes burn, your nose burns and you get all teary-eyed?"

The second black guy says, "Yeah, all the time."

The other says, "Why be that?"

The second says, "I think it's the pepper spray."

[casp0555]

"Once there was a man at his home, he heard a knock on the door. He opened the door and saw a snail. He threw the snail as far and as hard as he could.
3 years later the man hears a knock on his door again. It was the snail. It said "What the f*** was that for?!"

[bigrun]

SCOTTISH WEDDING
At the Scottish wedding reception the D.J. yelled... "Would all married men please stand next to the
one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death.


SEX
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot
by the woman’s husband.

POOR LANCE ARMSTRONG
I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstong, especially after
what he achieved, winning 7 Tour de France races, while on drugs. When I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.


DRIVE BY
A guy broke into my apartment last week. He didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now he drives by
and changes the channels. He is Sick


THE AGONY OF AGING
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked, you're supposed to turn your clock back".


SCAM
Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods DVD entitled "My Favourite 18 Holes".
Turns out it's about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.
Best Regards,
Charlie Sheen


PREGNANT PROSTITUTE
Doctor asks pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?"
She says "If you ate a tin of beans, would you know which one made you fart?"


EASY JET
Paddy calls EASYJET to book a flight.
The operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies, "How should I know! It's your bloody plane."

[herkhorse]

> Subject: The Parrot Died
>
>
> The Parrot Died At dawn the telephone rings.
> "Hello, Señor Roy ? This is Ernesto, the Caretaker at your country house."
>
> "Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"
>
> "Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Roy, that your parrot, he is dead".
>
> "My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"
> "Si, Señor, that's the one."
>
> "Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"
>
> "From eating the rotten meat, Señor Roy."
>
> "Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"
>
> "Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."
>
> "Dead horse? What dead horse?"
>
> "The thoroughbred, Señor Roy."
>
> "My prize thoroughbred is dead?"
>
> "Yes, Señor Roy, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."
>
> "Are you insane? What water cart?"
>
> "The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."
> "Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"
>
> "The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."
>
> "What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"
> "Yes, Señor Roy ."
>
> "But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"
> "For the funeral, Señor Roy."
>
> "WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"
>
> "Your wife's, Señor Roy. She showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief so, I hit her with your new Ping G20 204g titanium head golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."
> SILENCE...........
>
> LONG SILENCE.........
>
> VERY LONG SILENCE............
>
>








"Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****.
>
>

[bigrun]

Everyone has their priorities..

[bigrun]

Texting



An elderly couple had just learned how to send text

messages on their cell phones. The wife was a romantic

type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.


One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.
She decided to send her husband a romantic text message

and she wrote:


"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you."


The husband texted back to her: "I'm on the toilet.
Please advise."