Joke of the Day

[Downthestretch55]

Constipated Horse
A farmer goes to the vet and says, "My horse is constipated."

The vet replies, "Take one of these pills, put it in a long tube, stick the other end in the horse's ass, and blow the pill up there."

The farmer comes back the next day, and he looks very sick.

The vet says, "What happened?"

The farmer responds, "The horse blew first."

[Downthestretch55]

A Conversation With Room Service In An Asian Hotel

A telephonic exchange between a hotel guest and room-service, at a hotel in
Asia, which was recorded and published in the Far East Economic Review...

Room Service: "Morny. Ruin sorbees"

Guest: "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service"

RS: "Rye...Ruin sorbees...morny! Djewish to odor sunteen?"

Guest: "Uh...yes...I'd like some bacon and eggs"

RS: "Ow July den?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "Ow July den?...pry,boy, pooch?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

RS: "Ow July dee bayhcem...crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine"

RS: "Hokay. An San tos?"

Guest: "What?"

RS: "San tos. July San tos?"

Guest: "I don't think so"

RS: "No? Judo one toes??"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo one toes'
means."

RS: "Toes! toes!...why djew Don Juan toes? Ow bow singlish mopping we
bother?"

Guest: "English muffin! I've got it! You were saying 'Toast.' Fine.
Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RS: "We bother?"

Guest: "No...just put the bother on the side."

RS: "Wad?"

Guest: "I mean butter...just put it on the side."

RS: "Copy?"

Guest: "Sorry?"

RS: "Copy...tea...mill?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's all."

RS: "One Minnie. Ass ruin torino fee, strangle ache, crease baychem,
tos sy singlish mopping we bother honey sigh, and copy...rye?"

Guest: "Whatever you say"

RS: "Tendjewberrymud"

Guest: "You're welcome"

[Downthestretch55]

Questions People Asked To Park Rangers


These are questions that people actually asked of Park Rangers around
the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths
of human stupidity. (Source: Outside Magazine, May 1995, pp. 120-121)

Grand Canyon National Park :

Was this man-made?

Do you light it up at night?

I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?

Is the mule train air conditioned?

So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park :

Are the alligators real?

Are the baby alligators for sale?

Where are all the rides?

What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska):

What time do you feed the bears?

Can you show me where the yeti lives?

How often do you mow the tundra?

How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park:

Did people build this, or did Indians?

Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?

What did they worship in the kivas-- their own made-up religion?

Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?

Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

How much of the cave is underground?

So what's in the unexplored part of the cave? Does it ever rain in here?

How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?

So what is this-- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:

Where are the cages for the animals? What time do you turn on Yosemite
Falls?

Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park:

Does Old Faithful erupt at night?

How do you turn it on?

When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?

We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

[Downthestretch55]

How To Cook A Turkey

How To Took A Turkey... huh?

Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out

[Downthestretch55]

Comedian Jon Stewart On Thanksgiving

"I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in
my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed
them and took their land."
- Jon Stewart, on The Jon Stewart Show

[Downthestretch55]

Turkey Funnies.......
http://www.jibjab.com/jokebox/jokebo...4/jokeid/80387

[Downthestretch55]

Difference Between Prison and Work !

IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 4X6 cabin.

IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK... you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required.
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

IN PRISON... you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.