Dear Madam or Sir,
My name is Vic Stovetop. I have worked in the horse racing industry for 35 of my 54 years on the planet Earth and 7 of the other 19 on Mars. I feel so blessed that as a young man I convinced one of the trainers at Hoosier Park to fire a groom and to hire me instead. What a great life it's been.
Here are some of my accomplishments:
- Over 44,000 races called and 42,964 correct orders of finish
- Seven years as an announcer at a track that ending up firing me
- Eleven years as a race caller with 10 years and 8 months of those 11 years yelling ZEEEEEEEEN-YA-TAAAAAAA
- I was an original member of the worst handicapping program on the air
- As a jockey agent, the jockey I represented had a complaint filed against him by the California Horse Racing Board alleging he "did not put forward his best effort riding his horse to the finish line" in the final race at Del Mar on Sept. 6.
- As a horse owner I attempted to approach John Glenney the morning after the race and ask if Cedros, the horse the jockey I represent did not ride to the finish line, was for sale
- In 2011 I was appointed and I still serve as a very important you-know-what for the state of California, wink, wink, know what I mean? Say no more.
I know this appears as very self serving, because it is, but that is not my intention, even though it is, but it would sound silly and self serving to say it is my intention, so it isn't.
Let me explain what happened in 2009 and 2010. I was vain, weak and stupid and I had a life.
Now let me explain what happened in 2011. I was vain, weak and stupid and I had no life.
As with most people with no life, I attempted to get as many jobs with as many conflicts of interest as I could muster. Pretty dumb, huh? But wait, there's more? Even though you already hired a guy, I want his job. Job? Funny... I don't even think of it as a job. I will do it for exactly $1 less than the other guy. If he'll do it for 7 grand, I'll do it for $6,999. If he'll do it for a dollar, I'll do it for free.
Thank you from the bottom of a bottomless pit for reading my words, and if you don't reconsider your decision based on this request you will wake up tomorrow with a horse head in your bed.
Please feel free to call me anytime at (415) UHIRE-ME.
Respectfully,
Victor Lasagna and Meat Sauce