Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[Princess Doreen]

WHY SENTENCE STRUCTURE IS SO IMPORTANT

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people - Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because he liked the both of them. Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after having partied all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached and said, "Debra I've never done this before, but I have to lay you or Jack off."

Debra replied, "Couple you please jack off, I feel like ****."

[clyde]

Anyone hear any good jokes lately?

[OldDog]

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper.

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, “I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”

"About 32," is the reply.

"Nope! I'm exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the very same question.

The girl replies, “I'd guess about 29.”

The woman replies with a big smile, “Nope, I'm 50.”

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street.

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question.

The clerk responds, “Oh, I'd say 30.”

Again she proudly responds, “I'm 50, but thank you!”

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question.

He replies, “Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was.

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra.

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.”

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of her.



She finally blurts out, “What the hell, go ahead.”

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very slowly and carefully.

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple.

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other.

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, “Okay, okay....How old am I?”

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, “Madam, you are 50.”

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, “That was incredible, how could you tell?”

The old man says, “Promise you won't get mad?”

"I promise I won't," she says.



"I was behind you at McDonalds."

[MaTH716]

[AeWingnut]

What does a girl from Kentucky say after she loses her virginity?
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get off me dad - you're crushin' my smokes

[AeWingnut]

I just turned 70 and after a thorough physical
and a series of exhaustive tests my physician
said I was doing “fairly well” for my age. A little
concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist
asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
“Do you smoke tobacco,” he asked, “or drink
beer or wine?”
“No,” I replied, “and I don’t do drugs, either
anymore.” Then he asked, “Do you eat ribeye
steaks and barbecued ribs?”
“Not very often,” I admitted. “I’ve read that
red meat is unhealthy.” Then he asked,
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like
playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No,” I said, “I really don’t.”
“Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have lots
of sex?”
“No,” I answered. He looked at me for a
while and finally said, “Then why do you
even give a shit?”

[Princess Doreen]

anagrams


Presbyterian = Best In Prayer


Astronomer = Moon Starer


Desperation = A Rope Ends It


The Eyes = They See


George Bush = He Bugs Gore


The Morse Code = Here Come Dots


Dormitory = Room


Slot Machines = Cash Lost In Me


Animosity = Is No Amity


Election Results = Lies - Let's Recount


Snooze Alarms = Alas! No More Z 's


A Decimal Point = I'm A Dot In Place


The Earthquakes = That Queer Shake


Eleven Plus Two = Twelve Plus One


Mother-in-law = Woman Hitler