Joke of the Day

[bogeydaman]

BRAIN CRAMPS
(On September 17, 1994, Alabama's Heather Whitestone was selected as Miss America 1995.)
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: "I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever,"
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Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love
to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and
death and stuff."
--Mariah Carey
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"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very
important part of your life,"
--Brooke Shields, during an interview to become
Spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
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I've never had major knee surgery on any other part
of my body,"
--Winston Bennett,
University of Kentucky basketball forward.
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"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the
lowest crime rates in the country,"
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
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"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through
our papers. We are the president."
--Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of
subpoenaed documents.
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"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it,"
--A congressional candidate in Texas.
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"Half this game is ninety percent mental."
--Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
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"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's
the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
--Al Gore, Vice President
And . .
"We are ready for an unforeseen event that
may or may not ! occur."
--Al Gore, VP
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"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix."
--Dan Quayle
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"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much
clean air do we need?"
--Lee Iacocca
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"The word "genius" isn't applicable in football. A
genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." -
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
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"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude
certain types of people."
--Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instruto.
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"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."
--Bill Clinton, President
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"Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come
from overseas."
--Keppel Enderbery
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"Your food stamps will be stopped effective
March 1992 because we received notice that
you passed away. May God bless you. You may
reapply if there is a change in your circumstances."
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
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"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack
in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their
heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when
they wake up dead, there'll be a record."
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
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Feeling smarter yet?

[Downthestretch55]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something
exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the
little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a
time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, however, knowing that he could be a bit crude at times, but eventually his turn came.
Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnny.

"Well, I can see that," she said, "but what is so exciting about a period?"

"Damned if I know," said Johnny, "but this morning my sister said she missed
one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[Downthestretch55]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

[Downthestretch55]

Alligator

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side.

He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons

"I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink."

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, and dropped his trousers, placing his privates in the alligator's mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try."

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde girl timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle so hard."

[Downthestretch55]

BRAIN DEAD DAYS

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island

"I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn't study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

"They're multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of
pliers.

"The President has kept all of the promises he intended to keep."
-Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live

"We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees."
-Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president."
-Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents

"It's like deja vu all over again."
-Yogi Berra

"China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."
-Former French President Charles De Gaulle

"The loss of life will be irreplaceable."
-Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it."
-A congressional candidate in Texas

"It is necessary for me to establish a winner image. There-fore, I have to beat somebody."
- Richard M. Nixon

"The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet."
-Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.

"Things are more like they are now than they ever were before."
-Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower

"A billion here, a billion there, sooner or later it adds up to real money."
-Everett Dirksen

"A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on."
-Samuel Goldwyn

"Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind." -General William Westmoreland

[Downthestretch55]

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...
First ~ Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your
age and start bragging about it.
Second ~ The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line
for.
Third ~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want
people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and
some of the roads weren't paved.
Fourth ~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth,
think of Algebra.
Fifth ~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or
leaks.
Sixth ~ I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
Seventh ~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it
is such a nice change from being young.
Eighth ~ One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has
been.
Ninth ~ Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Tenth ~ Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was
called witchcraft. Today it's called golf
And finally ~ If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have
anything to laugh at when you are old.

[Downthestretch55]

Here's one about a guy that starts a thread, gets one response, deletes the rest, and ends up talking to himself again.

http://boards.espn.go.com/boards/mb/...id=38087&lid=8