Joke of the Day

[bogeydaman]

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!," he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got a license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "On your way, Ma'am." As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his "You-Know- What" in his hand.

"Oh, good grief," yelled Ethel, "Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again.!!!"

[Downthestretch55]

Horoscopes by Adam Sandler (not sure if some of the language will get past the bots)......

Aquarius (Jan 23 - Feb 22) - You have an inventive mind and are inclined to be progressive. You lie a great deal. You make the same mistakes repeatedly because you are stupid. Everyone thinks you are a ****ing jerk.

Pisces (Feb 23 - Mar 22) - You are a pioneer type and think most people are dickheads. You are quick to reprimand, impatient, and full of advice. You do nothing but piss-off everyone you come in contact with. You are a prick.

Aries (Mar 23 - April 22) - You have a wild imagination and often think you are being followed by the FBI or CIA. You have minor influence on your friends and people resent you for flaunting your power. You lack confidence and are a general dip****.

Taurus (April 23 - May 22) - You are practical and persistent. You have a dogged determination and work like hell. Most people think you are stubborn and bullheaded. You are nothing but a goddamned communist.

Gemini (May 23 - June 22) - You are a quick and intelligent thinker. People like you because you are bisexual. You are inclined to expect too much for too little. This means you are a cheap bastard. Geminis are notorious for thriving on incest.

Cancer (June 23 - July 22) - You are sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems, which makes you a sucker. You are always putting things off. That is why you will always be on welfare and won't be worth a ****. Everyone in prison is a Cancer.

Leo (July 23 - Aug 22) - You consider yourself a born leader. Others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. Leo people are thieving mother****ers and enjoy masturbation more than sex.

Virgo (Aug 23 - Sept 22) - You are the logical type and hate disorder. Your ****-picking attitude is sickening to your friends and co-workers. You are cold and unemotional and often fall asleep while ****ing. Virgos make good bus drivers and pimps.

Libra (Sept 23 - Oct 22) - You are the artistic type and have a difficult time dealing with reality. Chances for employment and monetary gain are nil. Most Libra women are whores. All Libras die of venereal disease.

Scorpio (Oct 23 - Nov 22) - You are the worst of the lot. You are shrewd in business and cannot be trusted. You shall achieve the pinnacle of success because of your total lack of ethics. You are the perfect son-of-a-bitch. Most Scorpios are murdered.

Sagittarius (Nov 23 - Dec 22) - You are optimistic and enthusiastic. You have a reckless tendency to rely on your luck since you have no talent. You are a worthless piece of ****.

Capricorn (Dec 23 - Jan 22) - You are conservative and afraid of taking risks. You are basically chicken****. There has never been a Capricorn of any importance.

[timmgirvan]

Glad he's such a great actor,lol

[Downthestretch55]

Political Humor...

Chicken, Road...HUH???


DR. PHIL:
The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he
must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes
after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help
him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems
before adding "NEW" problems.
OPRAH:
Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he
wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from
his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give
this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live
his life like the rest of the chickens.
GEORGE W BUSH:
We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to
know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is
either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.
COLIN POWELL:
Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of
the chicken crossing the road...
ANDERSON COOPER - CNN :
We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been
allowed to have access to the other side of the road.
JOHN KERRY:
Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against
it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's
intentions. I am not for it now, and will remain against it.
NANCY GRACE:
That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in
his eyes and the way he walks.
PAT BUCHANAN:
To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.
MARTHA STEWART:
No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a
standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price
dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider
information.
DR SEUSS:
Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the
chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.
ERNEST HEMINGWAY:
To die in the rain. Alone.
JERRY FALWELL:
Because the chicken was gay! Can't you people see the plain truth in
front of your face? The chicken was going to the "other side." That's why
they call it the "other side." Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if
you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all
chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes
with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side." That chicken should
not be crossing the road. It's as plain and simple as that!
BILL GATES:
I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but
will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check
book.
BILL CLINTON:
I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition
of chicken?
AL GORE:
I invented the chicken!

[Downthestretch55]

Death by IM...

http://www.commondreams.org/views06/1007-27.htm

[Downthestretch55]

Senior Moment (alleged to be true)

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her
car,
found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle. She dropped
her
shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of
her
voice, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation. They got out and ran
like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her
shopping
bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She
tried and tried, and then it dawned on her why...For the same reason
she
did not understand why there was a football, a Frisbee and two 12 packs
in the front seat...

A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces
farther down. She loaded her bags into the car and drove to the police
station to report her mistake. The sergeant to whom she told the story
couldn't stop laughing.

He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were
reporting a car jacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white,
less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair and carrying a
large
handgun. No charges were filed.

MORAL OF THE STORY?

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it memorable.

[Downthestretch55]

At the Supermarket

A guy goes to a supermarket and notices a beautiful blonde waving at him and says hello.

He's rather taken a back, because he can't place where he knows her from. So he says " Do you know me?" to which she replies "I think you're the father of one of my kids."

Now he thinks back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, " My God! , are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my ass with wet celery and then stuck a carrot up my butt?"

She said " No, I'm your son's math teacher."