Joke of the Day

[Hwjb]

A woman has a baby girl, her first child, and both the mother and father are over the moon. After holding the baby for a while, she gives him to the father, and the nurse asks if he wants to give her a bath. "Yes, of course," he replies, and the nurse tells him to go into the room next door and wash the little girl.
Five minutes later the nurse goes to see how they're getting on and finds the man with two fingers up the baby's nostrils pulling her along in the bath and attempting to wash her that way.
Appalled, the nurse exclaims, "that's not the way to do it."
The man replies, "it is when the water's this ****ing hot!"

[Hwjb]

I got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine today... We lost
track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic nights we used to enjoy
together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and
rekindling a little of that "magic".

"Wow!", I exclaimed, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm
a bit older and a bit bigger than when you last saw me!"

She just giggled and said she was sure I'd rise to the challenge!!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistline
that's a few inches wider these days!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that
tubby men were cute.

"Anyway, I've put on a few pounds myself!" she giggled.


So I told her to f*ck off.

[Downthestretch55]

A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.

Well, it was like this, said the man. I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows.

We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball ... stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake.

"What did you do?", asks the doctor.

Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, "Hey, this looks like yours!"

[Downthestretch55]

another golf joke...

Christians vs Jews on the course...

The Pope met with a Cardinal to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said the Cardinal, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "we'll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

Two days later, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Nicklaus.

"SECOND?" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "YOU LOST TO SHIMON PERES?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus calmly, "second to Rabbi Woods."

[Downthestretch55]

Stress Management:

Picture yourself near a stream.

Birds are chirping softly in the crisp, cool mountain air.

Nothing can bother you here.

No one knows this secret place.

You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world."

The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenity.

The water is clear.

You can easily make out the face of the person whose head you're holding under the water. There now, feeling better?

[timmgirvan]

A man takes his wife and mother-in-law on a vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there,the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told the man "You can have her shipped home for burial for 5,000, or you can bury her in the Holy Land for 150" The man thought about it and told him he'd just have to have her shipped home. The undertaker asked "why would you spend 5,000 to have your mother-in-law shipped home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only 150? The man replied "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and 3 days later, rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance"

[timmgirvan]

A lady walks into a drugstore and tells the pharmacist she needs some cyanide. The pharmacist says "Why in the world do you need cyanide"? She then explained that she needed it to poison her husband. The pharmacists' eyes got big and he said "Lord, have mercy, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose my license and they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kind of bad things will happen! Absolutely Not. You can Not have any cyanide! Calmly, the woman reached inside her purse and pulled out a photograph of her husband in bed with the pharmacists' wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied "Well now, you didn't Tell me you had a prescription!"