Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[GPK]

This elderly couple in their 80's had both lost their previous spouses. In an effort to combat growing older alone, they decided to marry. After finally sorting out the normal new couple issues, such as money, whos house to live in, etc...the old man finally gathered the courage to ask his soon to be new bride about their love life.

"How often do you like sex?" He inquired.

"Infrenquently" she responsed

Thinking for a second, he asked "Is that one word or two?"

[The Indomitable DrugS]

Do you like fishsticks?

[Rudeboyelvis]

A guy is in the market for a motorcycle but he doesn't have a lot of cash to spend. He sees an ad in the paper for an older model that is in great shape and goes to investigate.

He shows up, and the thing looks like it had just come out of the showroom.
"How'd you keep it looking so good?", he asks.

"Well, the trick is - every time it looks like it is going to rain, I rub a little Vaseline on the chrome - keeps it tip top."

"I'll take it!" the guy expounds triumphantly. The seller takes the cash and gives him what is left of the tube and he's off.

He rides over to pick up his girlfriend on his new found dream machine.

She gets on the back and says, "Honey, I was wondering if you'd like to have dinner with my family this evening".

Never having met her parents before, he obliges.

"Well.... there is one thing you need to know about them - there is sort of a peculiar rule in our house. You mustn't say ANYTHING during the meal. If you do, you will have to do the dishes".

He finds this completely strange, but is so smitten with his gal he reassures her that it will be fine.

He shows up promptly and is cordiality invited in, only to find the foyer stacked floor to ceiling with dirty dishes; the same for the living room and the dining room....

They all sit down to their meal - no one saying a word.

At this point, he motions to his girlfriend and throws her up on the dining room table, giving it to her in front of both parents, in a way that would make Ron Jeremy proud.

No one says a word.

Well, Mom ain't looking too bad, what the hell? He throws her mother on the table and start slamming her like she hadn't had it in ages.

Quiet as a church pew.

He looks out the window and notices that it is beginning to rain.

He pulls out the tube of Vaseline and the father screams, "ALRIGHT!! I'LL DO THE FUCl<ING DISHES!!"

[herkhorse]

http://www.joe-ks.com/archives_may2009/FiremanMouth.htm

[witchdoctor]

An Idaho farmer got in his pickup, drove to a neighboring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy about 12 opened the door.

"Is your dad home?" the farmer asked.

"No sir, he ain't," the boy replied. "He went into town."

"Well, said the farmer, is your mom here?"

"No sir, she ain't here neither. She went into town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"He went with mom and dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do fer ya?" the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one. Or maybe I could take a message fer dad."

"Well, said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to yer dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter, Pearly Mae pregnant."

The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Pa about that," he finally conceded.

"If it helps you any, I know that Pa charges $50 for the bull and $25 for the hog, but I really don't know how much he gets fer Howard."

[herkhorse]

A man stumbles up to the only other person in a bar and says "Will we have a drink?".
"Why, of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks, "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds, "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," says the second.
Curious, the first asks, "Where in Ireland?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it, me too! Lets have another round of drinks to Dublin."
"Of course." The second man can't help himself so he asks, "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's", replies the first man. "I graduated in '62."
"Unbelievable!!!" the second man said.
About that time, in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's up?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replied the bartender. "The O'Malley twins are drunk again!"

[herkhorse]

Here is another tender love story:



HER DIARY



Tonight I thought he was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.

Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed but he kept quiet and absent. I asked him what was wrong; he said nothing. I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.

On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say I love you too. My heart just sank.

When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent. Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed, and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep - I cried. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.




HIS DIARY


I shot the worst round of golf in my life today, but at least I got laid.