Anybody hear any good jokes lately?

[GBBob]

What do the Cubs and Yankees have in common?


Neither has won a World Series in their new Stadium.

[dellinger63]

Guts or Balls.

> There is a medical distinction.
> We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
> the difference between them ? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> definitions are listed below:
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
> guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
> 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
> guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
> wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
> death.

[witchdoctor]

Prison vs. Work...

In case you ever got the two mixed up, this should make things a bit more clear....

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON...the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.

[witchdoctor]

Seven year old Susie approached her mother one morning and asked, "Mommie how old are you?" To which her mother responded, "Now Susie, that is not a question you should ask a woman."

Susie then replied, "Well, how much do you weigh?" Once again her mother said, "Susie that is another question you never ask a woman."

Perplexed, Susie was sitting on the steps when her best friend eight year old Anna came by. "Why so sad?" Anna asked. Susie replied, "I asked my mother how old she was, and how much she weighed, but she wouldn't tell me."

Immediately, the ever worldly Anna put her hands on her hips, lilted to one side and advised Susie to get her mother's drivers license out of her purse and she could get all the answers.

Triumphantly, Susie marched into the kitchen where her mother was preparing dinner and announced, "I saw your driver's license, and know you are 35 years old." She continued with, "And I know you weigh 135 pounds."

Susie's mother sighed and admitted to her age and weight.

Finally Susie exclaimed, "And...I know why you and Daddy got a divorce." Puzzled by this remark her mother asked, "How do you know this?"

Susie waved the license in the air, and replied:

"It says right here you got an "F" in sex!!"

[SCUDSBROTHER]

Originally Posted by dellinger63

Guts or Balls.

> There is a medical distinction.
> We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know
> the difference between them ? In an effort to keep you informed, the
> definitions are listed below:
>
> GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the
> guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
> 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

> BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the
> guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your
> wife on the butt and having the balls to say: 'You're next,
> Chubby.'
>
> I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
> Medically speaking there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in
> death.

BROXTON N' BILLINGSLEY have neither.

[herkhorse]

I was in the pub yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my pint and noticed that everybody was staring at me.

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[herkhorse]

from one of the best dutch comic shows ever Koot & Bie:


this was shown on public tv back in the 70s
the joke being the subtitles tell a different story...

...sorry in advance

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nmH2O...layer_embedded

[3kings]

New Husband Store


A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:


Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:


Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks , 'but I want more.' So she continues upward.


The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.



PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The 3rd, 4th, 5th, and 6th floors have never been visited.

[chucklestheclown]

A man comes home from work and plops in front of the TV and says to his wife "Get me a beer before it starts." She sighs and does it.
Fifteen minutes later he says "Get me another beer before it starts." She's pissed, but gets it and slams it down on the table. He drinks it quickly and says "OK, it's about to start...get me another one."
The wife is FURIOUS. She yells "Is that all you're going to do all night is sit in front of the GD TV and drink beer? You are a lazy, good for nothing POS and furthermore...".
He sighs and says..."It's started."

[dustmop]

Was just wondering here....anyone heard any good jokes lately?